#funny

A horse blanket, Mel? I remembered what I was wearing. 'It tore in half when Hrani tried washing it. She was going to mend it. This piece was too small for a horse, but it was just right for me.' Bran laughed a little unsteadly. 'Mel. A horse blanket. ↗

— Sherwood Smith

#brother-and-sister #funny #horse #funny

I’ve long believed that for an award to gain prestige, all it takes is having one famous person win it—even if that one person doesn’t know about the award or the fact that they’ve won it. That’s why last year’s “Albatross Harbor’s Man of the Year Award” went to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. And from all the votes this year (one), it looks like the winner will be me. I’ve already begun writing my acceptance speech. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #man-of-the-year #prestige #sir-arthur-conan-doyle #funny

Always be nice to people to their face. Then when they turn around, berate the back of their head. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#humor #politeness #funny

• When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor #funny

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back ↗

— Rodney Dangerfield

#funny #humor #humour #kiddnapped #rodney-dangerfield

He’d spent so much time in the penalty box for fighting last season, he’d been tempted to hang a picture and maybe set up a lava lamp, it had felt so much like home ↗

— Rachel Gibson

#humor #funny

I don't want my wife to have more sons; the two we have now are too much like her. When we're ready for another child, I'm cloning myself. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny #humor #funny

When someone says something offensive and I want to voice my opinion, I hire a spokesman to beat that person up. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#humor #opinions #violence #funny

Yeah, really scary," agreed Zoe, struggling not to laugh. "Like Bambi with an Uzi. ↗

— Joss Stirling

#funny

Maybe I can stalk you again sometime.” “Absolutely. ↗