#funny

I love Huey Lewis, but not the News, because the News is too depressing. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#huey-lewis #humor #news #weird #funny

I have a beard of fog that I wear on misty mornings. It’s not cigarette smoke, but I’d understand if you wanted to shave it off and inhale it. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#cigarette #fog #funny #humor #inhale

I have to return some videotapes ↗

— Bret Easton Ellis

#bale #bret #christian #easton #ellis

I feel like I could be the best, but I’m not going to openly admit that. At least not to any of my clones. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#clone #funny #humor #funny

America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies. ↗

— Stephen Colbert

#children #fathers #funny #humor #funny

I have the feeling we just made a deal with the devil, and he's going to come back and want our first-born child or something." Daemon waggled his brows. "You want kids? Because you know, practice makes--" "Shut up." I shook my head and started walking. ↗

— Jennifer L. Armentrout

#funny #katy #funny

To answer your question, you want me because I'm made of awesome. ↗

— Gena Showalter

#humor #funny

I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#argue #arguments #chores #cynicism #desire

And now," Eric yelled into his mircophone, "we're going to sing a new song-one we just wrote. This one's for my girlfriend. We've been going out for three weeks, and, damn, our love is true. We're gonna be together forever, baby. This one's called 'Bang You Like a Drum. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#crazy #eric #funny #humor #love

I grabbed my purse, which was conveniently place by the front door. Gabriel was such a considerate abductor/host. He even left the front door unpadlocked. ↗

— Molly Harper

#gabriel #jane-jameson #molly-harper #nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs #funny