#funny

Nothing will go wrong,Micheal said soothingly. Me and you? We've been through to much together. And your too unpleasant to die.Too bossy.God will keep you down here for a while until you learn your lesson and start learning to work and play well with others. Now your talking.Will you go with me a week from Friday when I get my biopsy? Wild horses and an evil head nurse with rubber gloves couldn't keep me away. Now your just being gross. ↗

— Erica Orloff

#funny

First rule of thievery,' Eli said, grinning, 'only run if you're not coming back.' (...) 'First rule of thievery, never use the same entrance twice.' Miranda rolled her eyes. 'How many 'first rules' of thievery do you have?' 'When one mistake can mean your head on a pike, every rule's a first rule,' Eli said cheerfully. ↗

— Rachel Aaron

#humor #rules-to-live-by #witty #funny

If I could fly, I would soar all the way up to the window of a plane carrying a suitcase in my hand, then I’d motion toward the plane’s door and make an annoyed face at the terrified passengers. I have a feeling I would do this a lot. ↗

— Colin Nissan

#flying #funny #humor #funny

I want to be asexual, because then I could be more productive. But not reproductive. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #productive #reproductive #funny

It was around then that the phone rang. It was my friend Cee Cee, wanting to know if I cared to join her and Adam McTavish at the Coffee Clutch to drink iced tea and talk bad about everyone we know. ↗

— Meg Cabot

#friends #funny #suze-simon #funny

Love is the jelly to sunshine’s peanut butter. And if I tell you that I’m in sandwich with you, I’m not just saying it to get in your Ziploc bag. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #love #surrealism #age

Art shows, it doesn’t tell. That’s why for show and tell, I mimed the panels of the Sistine ceiling. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #art

Sometimes in the most tragic situation, something just profoundly funny happens. ↗

— David Hyde Pierce

#happens #just #most #profoundly #situation

I watch things that are fun, or funny, or interesting. ↗

— Martha Plimpton

#funny #i #interesting #things #watch

I love the script and I just thought it was a great role. Like I say, it's like this - the script is like this sad, funny, desperate love song to the lost American man. ↗

— Oliver Platt

#desperate #funny #great #i #i love