#funny

I’m supposed to figure out if the glass is half full or half empty,” I told her. Without a moment’s hesitation, in a split second, my grandmother shrugged and said: “It depends on if you’re drinking or pouring. ↗

— Bill Cosby

#grandma #life #optimist #perspective #pessimist

Awesomesauce! ↗

— Becca Ann

#funny

Bragging about your compassion is the first step towards feeling a genuine emotion. ↗

— Bauvard

#compassion #emotion #funny #humor #funny

Never in all her life had she imagined that this idolized millinery could look, to those who paid for it, like the decorations of an insane monkey. ↗

— Charlotte Perkins Gilman

#funny #hats #humor #humour #women

When you are stripped of your primogeniture, the only way to prove your birthright is to take off your pants. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #nudity #primogeniture #funny

Asthma attack: a technique to coach women through their contractions, induced by fear of the result. ↗

— Bauvard

#birth #funny #humor #funny

Buddhism: a violent religion that has compensated for the exploding human population by causing whole species of animal vessels to go extinct. ↗

— Bauvard

#extinction #funny #humor #funny

Do not cry for me, Azrael. Do not waste your tears. You made your decision. And this is mine. Sacrifice seems to be my destiny. A funny thing for a selfish man, isn't it? They always called me weak back then... ↗

— Melissa de la Cruz

#kingsley #love #mimi #sacrifice #funny

The sexy don't get wrinkles, they add love lines like a tree adds rings. So climb on them for the view. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #love #sexiness #tree-rings

Artemis grit her teeth. "I need a favor. I have some hunting to do, alone. I need you to take my companions to Camp Half-Blood." "Sure Sis!" then he raised his hands in a "stop everything" gesture. "I feel a haiku comIng on." The Hunters all groaned. Apparently they'd met Apollo before. He cleared his throat and held up one hand dramatically. "Green grass breaks through snow. Artemis pleads for my help. I am so awesome. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#artemis #funny #humor #percy-jackson #funny