#funny

He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse.
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— Jarod Kintz

#beautiful #beauty #bizarre #corpse #dating

To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #gross #odd #piss #strange

A brick could be used to locate the precise coordinates of the Masons. Just follow the bricks—and follow the money. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

Lily, the girl who’d talked back to the jock, said, “I want to get as far away from my parents as possible. We’re like potassium and water.” The other kids laughed and I said, “Huh?” “If potassium comes into contact with water, it instantly combusts,” Lily said slowly so if she was talking to a child. ↗

— Marta Acosta

#nerd-joke #science #funny

I understand that you don’t want to marry me,” I said. “I mean, I don’t know why, since I’m simply delightful to be around. But to each his own taste. ↗

— Merrie Haskell

#sarcasm #snark #funny

We were just speaking to your friend here about the craft of brewing potions to enhance the libido. It seems he has a wealth of knowledge regarding plants and herbs.”I lowered my eyes to him, my head swimming at the only part of her greeting that I actually heard “You mean you can brew potions to increase sex drive?”She looked confused. “Well of course! We are trying to save our people from extinction, which means we must mate as often as possible. We find the task can become arduous after eight or nine couplings. The potions are what keep us going. Why, it’s in the bath we’re soaking in now.”I thought I was having a small aneurism. “I knew it!” I shouted stupidly. “I thought I was losing my mind! ↗

— Alisha Basso

#libido-issues #funny

if my name was on a serious work like this it would never get fair treatment. They would all say I had tried to be funny and failed. ↗

— Jerome K. Jerome

#weeds #funny

A very ladylike bosom,” she said, approvingly. “There’s nothing there,” I complained. The clerk grinned. “I have been fitting bras for twenty-five years and no one ever thinks her breasts are good enough,” she said. “You’ll save yourself a lot of unhappiness if you accept and enjoy what you have. Neat little breasts are very chic. ↗

— Marta Acosta

#funny #funny

I’m 30% in love, and if I ever rise to 70%, then I’ll be 100% in love. But I’ll still be mathematically challenged.
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— Jarod Kintz

#humor #love #math #funny

Sitting alone in the cafeteria would just scream “I’m the new girl. Everyone stare at me while I eat. ↗

— Kristi Cook

#funny-humor #so-true #funny