#funny

It's funny how all of this has worked out - I wasn't popular in high school, but now every drunken guy in the United States wants to be my pal. They all want to buy me a shot, and pretty soon I'm throwing up. ↗

— Jimmy Kimmel

#drunken #every #funny #guy #high

Whether you live to be 50 or 100 makes no difference, if you made no difference in the world. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny-quotes #humor-quotes #inspirational #iving #making-a-difference

If sex were shoes, I'd wear you out. But I wouldn't wear you out in public. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny-quotes #humor #humor-quotes #sex #sexual-stamina

Love is what you make it. Unfortunately, I can’t make it today, as I have a doctor’s appointment. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#doctor #funny #funny-quotes #humor #humor-quotes

I love readings and my readers, but the din of voices of the audience gives me stage fright, and the din of voices inside whisper that I am a fraud, and that the jig is up. Surely someone will rise up from the audience and say out loud that not only am I not funny and helpful, but I'm annoying, and a phony. ↗

— Anne Lamott

#annoying #audience #din #fraud #fright

Love walked in the door like a dusty cowboy, and I looked that cowboy dead in his eyes and said, “I thought I shot you.” And his eyes never blinked, wavered, or watered as he said, “You did. You shot me in the leg. But you can’t kill love that easily. And today you’re going to learn how deadly Love can be.” That was over four years ago, and I’m still alive. So that was his plan all along, to serve me up a super slow death. Sort of like torture, only imperceptible and more pleasant. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#cowboy #funny #humor #love #age

I was rubbing the pieces of bacon like they were strands of a lover’s hair. Of course they weren’t, because all my exes had hair like scrambled eggs. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bacon #funny #humor #love #surreal

Nothing conceals a woman's age like musky perfume. It makes her smell as ancient as Persia. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #perfume #women #age

Jon Stewart is exactly the same guy he's always been, only with money. He knows that the moment he really believes he's important, the funny goes away and he becomes Bill O'Reilly, except shorter and Jewish. ↗

— Denis Leary

#away #becomes #been #believes #bill

I'm just not one of those naturally funny, relaxed actors who enjoy the spotlight and are so good at it. ↗

— Heath Ledger

#funny #good #i #just #naturally