#funny

I’m drinking your reply. Maybe isn’t too hot or cold, so I’m chugging it. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#drink #funny #hot #humor #maybe

Can you break my five-dollar bill into five singles? Women love guys with lots of money.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#break #cash #change #currency #dollar

I feel my brains, like a pear, to see if it's ripe; it will be exquisite by September. ↗

— Virginia Woolf

#funny #funny

A blanket could represent change, and a brick represents consistency. Do you embrace the blanket, or the brick?
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

Do you want a ride home?" "I rode my bike, and I don't really want to keep it here at the school." "I have a truck, it won't be a problem to throw it into the bed." "Well then, I suppose I don't really have an excuse to say no, do I?" "I was going to hold your duffel hostage until you said yes anyway." "Now what has my duffel bag ever done to you? ↗

— August Westman

#funny

I wish the Fallen would just come to us for a change.” Ironically, Fallen Angels dropped from the sky and surrounded us. “I wish I had a chocolate cake!” I exclaimed, staring up. No cake appeared, though I did get a few wry glances. Andrew’s body shook with silent laughter while Lucia gave me raised eyebrows. “What? It worked for the Fallen Angels. ↗

— Laura Kreitzer

#joke #timeless-series #change

My erection at noon causes an elongated shadow so black you’d think I was an albino. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#albino #erection #funny #humor #noon

There’s not a person alive who is ugly. Now dead people, they disgust me. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#beauty #dead #funny #humor #ugly

Halt regarded him. He loved Horace like a younger brother. Even like a second son, after Will. He admired his skill with a sword and his courage in battle. But sometimes, just sometimes, he felt an overwhelming desire to ram the young warrior's head against a convenient tree. "You have no sense of drama or symbolism, do you?" he asked. "Huh?" replied Horace, not quite understanding. Halt looked around for a convenient tree. Luckily for Horace, there were none in sight. ↗

— John Flanagan

#courage

Last year I built a Courage Machine, but I thought it might be noisy and was too afraid to turn it on. So I coated it with glue, covered it with cat hair, mounted it on my wall, and started claiming it was an exotic animal I killed on a Safari in Africa. I'd like to believe people believe me, on account of it being so strange that it has to be true. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#africa #cat-hair #courage #exotic-animal #fear