#funny

I once made love to a taco shell stuffed with rancid meat and watery tomato bits. It was the best sex I’ve ever served to an unsuspecting customer. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #customer #dining #food #funny

Sophie, honey, stop looking at me like that,” Garrett said gruffly. “You’ll have me convinced I’m going to die.” “You’re not? ↗

— Maya Banks

#humour #romance #romantic-suspense #funny

I can do comedy, so people want me to do that, but the other side of comedy is depression. Deep, deep depression is the flip side of comedy. Casting agents don't realize it but in order to be funny you have to have that other side. ↗

— Parker Posey

#casting #comedy #deep #depression #flip

Hoping to get a head start on the next day, I eat breakfast the night before. That way I can sleep in until two in the afternoon. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #laziness #lazy #life #sleep

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name. ↗

— Paula Poundstone

#account #bank #bank account #because #i

But the only comparison that I want to Lenny Bruce is that I'm funny. I'm Freddie Prinze, Puerto Rican all the way. ↗

— Freddie Prinze

#comparison #freddie #funny #i #lenny

Hackers are nerdy, pasty, tubby, little geeks with triple thick glasses and this is probably a demented otaku with smelly feet. So catching him will be a breeze! ↗

— Keiko Nobumoto

#cowboy-bebop #faye #funny #manga #valentine

It's funny, because I did all of these interviews as soon as I had the baby, and they were asking questions, and I really didn't have an idea of anything, because I was so blurry. ↗

— Emily Procter

#asking #asking questions #baby #because #did

He took a long draw then asked, “What’d I do?” “You knew about the guy threatening my dad?” He paused, shifted in his chair, so freaking busted, it wasn’t funny. “They told you?” “Why, no, Swopes, they didn’t. Instead, they waited until the guy knocked the fuck out of my dad and readied him for spaceflight with duct tape then tried to kill me with a butcher’s knife. ↗

— Darynda Jones

#funny

Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement. ↗

— Ronald Reagan

#before #i #opening #questions #refuse