#funny

Ever notice how amused people are when you point out one of their mannerisms or a funny quirk about them? They start laughing and getting happy because they're thinking, "People notice me! I'm relevent!" It's OK to have these instincts, but you have to suppress them a bit. There are 6 billion people here, so it's not all about you. You need to let other people talk for a while and pay attention to their world for a sec. ↗

— Lesley Arfin

#true-stories-drugs #funny

I can't dance, remember?" I whispered. "It's just a tango. It is like sex, except with clothes on." Then, squeezing me closer: "Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot, you do not know how to do that either. ↗

— Joe Schreiber

#funny #sex #tango #funny

Sit, Phantom!" Ivy cooed. "On your bottom!" "Oh, for goodness sake!" Gabriel put down his book an pointed a long finger at Phantom. "Sit", he commanded in a deep voice. Phantom looked sheepish and sank straight to the floor. Ivy scowled in frustration "I've been trying to get him to do that all day! What is it with dogs and male authority? ↗

— Alexandra Adornetto

#funny

Besides my professional goals, I have a couple of private ones, my man. One of those is to pet a kangaroo before I leave Australia. I understand there's lots of Eastern Grays around this area. What do you say? Are you in?' Bergman looked at him like he'd just made the worst financial investment of his life. 'Kangaroos are wild animals. I've heard they claw like girl fighters and kick like jackhammers. You're going to get your skull crushed.' Cole held up a finger. 'Or I'm going to pet a kangaroo. How cool would that be? ↗

— Jennifer Rardin

#humor #funny

Thinking, not for the first time, that life should come with a trapdoor. Just a little exit hatch you could disappear through when you´d utterly and completely mortified yourself. Or when you had spontaneous zit eruptions. “Good book?” he asked, taking it from her and reading the subtitle, “A Guide for Good Girls Who (Sometimes) Want to Be Bad,” out loud. But life did not come with a trapdoor. ↗

— Michele Jaffe

#funny #teen #funny

Nona I don't think your allowed to smoke in here. Nona exhaled a large cloud of smoke. Nona keeps their lights on. A little smoke won't hurt them. ↗

— Holly Hood

#life #love #funny

WHY did she do this? She was a terrible drunk texter. All the things she wanted to say to people during the day came out at night, like a vampire. ↗

— Harriet Evans

#drunken-behaviour #funny #texting #funny

I've got a sense of self-preservation. OK, granted , it's still in the original shrink wrap but I've got one if I ever want to use it. ↗

— Rachel Caine

#funny #funny

See you in the funny pages...mate ↗

— Daniel H. Wilson

#lurker #funny

It's just so sad what we're willing to do for the Joey Spinellis of the world, you know? The mutilating, the tweezing, the enhancing, the plumping, the pinching, the waxing, the starving, the sweating, the bleaching. And for what? So you can wake up next to THAT in thirty years? What are we thinking?? ↗

— Yvonne Prinz

#true #women #funny