#funny

They say you’re meant to live everyday as if it were your last, which I’ve always thought was daft, since no one would ever pay the gas bill if that was the case, but what if it were your first? ↗

— Amy Jenkins

#thoughts #funny

Even the young are not remaining young at heart anymore. Nowadays people stop committing juvenile offenses before they even get into their twenties. ↗

— Bauvard

#delinquency #funny #humor #youth #funny

He shoved the phone at her again. “What does this do?” Hand shaking, she took it from him. “Um. It’s called a Smartphone. You can talk to people or send messages. It’s got Internet too.” She pointed to a collection of funny looking symbols on the glossy surface. Inter-net. Is that used for some sort of fishing? And why is the phone called smart? Were prior ones stupid? ↗

— Mimi Jean Pamfiloff

#niccolo #funny

All right I think we've been down here in the dark long enough. There's a whole other world upstairs. Take my hand Constant Reader and I'll be happy to lead you back into the sunshine. I'm happy to go there because I believe most people are essentially good. I know that I am. It's you I'm not entirely sure of. ↗

— Stephen King

#funny #good-and-evil #light #funny

Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail. ↗

— Chelsea Handler

#humor #humorous #funny

Laughter, Susannah would later reflect, is like a hurricane: once it reaches a certain point, it becomes self-feeding, self-supporting. You laugh not because the jokes are funny but because your own condition is funny. ↗

— Stephen King

#funny

While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach. ↗

— Chelsea Handler

#funny #humor #humorous #funny

I want to write a book called, "Bonfires and Bras," which follows around a young, braless feminist who struggles to adopt in air conditioned rooms, as her hardened nipples cause her excess embarrassment. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bras #feminism #feminist #funny #humor

Only the living can read. This means that when I write, my target market is people of the future. Greetings, people of the moon!
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#future #humor #life #living #market

I removed all the doors to our love, so you can’t lock yourself away from me. But I didn’t stop there. I also replaced the doors with metal detectors, so I could fondle you more efficiently, like the highly trained professionals do who run airport security.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#doors #efficiency #efficient #efficiently #fondle