#funny

Why do I always have to remind you to look to where the danger waits, Warrior. Sheesh, what would you do without me? “Uh, not be a murderous psycho?” Very funny. ↗

— H.D. Gordon

#alexa-montgomery-saga #blood-warrior #monster #remption #funny

Blackouts can be fun if approached with the right mindset. You just can't sweat the fact that you've lost a small portion of your life for all eternity. Occasionally, little bubbles of memory will float up like surreal Mylar party balloons at unexpected times throughout the net day and start piecing together a colorful, if incomplete, version of reality. ↗

— Josh Kilmer-Purcell

#alcoholism #blackout #drugs #funny #humor

You're (I'm) not weird, you're (I'm) just not preticularily normal. ↗

— Ben van Waterschoot

#wierd #funny

A blanket really makes the bed. Good thing too, because I never make the bed.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket #funny #humor #random #strange

What's with the super soaker?" -Stephine "I had a stork of genius when you called me this morning I said what do I have to do to protect myself from the vampire? And the answer that came to me was holy water! I don't know why I didn't think of this sooner." -Lula "You have the Super Soaker filled with holy water?" -Stephine "Yeah I sucked it out of the church. You know that birdbath thing they got right up front?" -Lula "THe baptismal font?" -Stephine "That's it. They got it filled with holy water, free for the taking." -Lula "Brilliant." -Stephine ↗

— Janet Evanovich

#funny

I'm considering whether or not to believe you. I need to run an algorithm on this." "That's not funny." "You might be trying to trick me into sleeping with you. ↗

— Jessica Park

#funny

Groupies? Did BDSM have groupies? ↗

— Cherise Sinclair

#funny

He looked at her defiantly, and she thought: and so one at a time we all become human—human werewolves, human dwarfs, human trolls …the melting pot melts in one direction only, and so we make progress. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#humor #progress #funny

Did you notice anything funny about Edwart in class? I think I love him,” I said nonchalantly. “Well, he did look kind of angry when you fell and disconnected his computer charger.” So it wasn’t all in my mind; others had noticed Edwart’s awareness of me. ↗

— Harvard Lampoon

#nightlight #parody #twilight #funny

Laura's problem was that she kept casting men in roles they weren't suited for. Like lovely Josh, casting him in the role of decent, kind house-husband, the perfect partner, the modern male, when - what was it that she'd actually loved about him, really? Laura tried to think, and couldn't come up with an answer. He was a great man - kind, funny, clever, hard working - but there was no way he was the man for her, she realised now. Why hadn't she seen it? ↗

— Harriet Evans

#funny