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#funny

Read through the most famous quotes by topic #funny




Moral codes are like the ocean. Some people live by them, while others, such as myself, would rather live by a lake. ↗


— Jarod Kintz


#lake #morality #ocean #funny

Simon whispered to me, “But is everything okay?” “No,” Tori said. “I kidnapped her and forced her to escape with me. I’ve been using her as a human shield against those guys with guns, and I was just about to strangle her and leave her body here to throw them off my trail. But then you showed up and foiled my evil plans. Lucky for you, though. You get to rescue poor little Chloe again and win her undying gratitude.” “Undying gratitude?” Simon looked at me. “Cool. Does that come with eternal servitude? If so, I like my eggs sunnyside up.” I smiled. “I’ll remember that.” *** “Oh, right. You must be starving.” Simon reached into his pockets. “I can offer one bruised apple and one brown banana. Convenience stores aren’t the place to buy fruit, as I keep telling someone.” “Better than these. For you, anyway, Simon.” Derek passed a bar to Tori. “Because you aren’t supposed to have those, are you?” I said. “Which reminds me…” I took out the insulin. “Derek said it’s your backup.” “So my dark secret is out.” “I didn’t know it was a secret.” “Not really. Just not something I advertise.” ... “Backup?” Tori said. “You mean he didn’t need that?” “Apparently not,” I murmured. Simon looked from her to me, confused, then understanding. “You guys thought…” “That if you didn’t get your medicine in the next twenty-four hours, you’d be dead?” I said. “Not exactly, but close. You know, the old ‘upping the ante with a fatal disease that needs medication’ twist. Apparently, it still works.” “Kind of a letdown, then, huh?” “No kidding. Here we were, expecting to find you minutes from death. Look at you, not even gasping.” “All right, then. Emergency medical situation, take two.” He leaped to his feet, staggered, keeled over, then lifted his head weakly. “Chloe? Is that you?” He coughed. “Do you have my insulin?” I placed it in his outstretched hand. “You saved my life,” he said. “How can I ever repay you?” “Undying servitude sounds good. I like my eggs scrambled.” He held up a piece of fruit. “Would you settle for a bruised apple?” I laughed. ↗


— Kelley Armstrong


#death

I’m not interested in driving a racecar, but I would love to cruise around in a palindrome. ↗


— Jarod Kintz


#palindrome #racecar #funny

I want everyone to throw sugar and cream at each other, then lie about it. I want to attend an ice cream antisocial. ↗


— Benson Bruno


#humor #ice-cream #funny

Chase leaned in close. "hey" What? Are you wearing perfume? No... why would I be wearing perfume?... You sure you're not wearing anything? It smells like jasmine. Must be the bushes ↗


— Gemma Halliday


#funny

You don't like Blue, do you?" "No," Mira said, caught off guard by the change of subject. "I was worried he was doing his knight-in-tarnished-armor thing and it was winning you over. ↗


— Sarah Cross


#funny-and-random #kill-me-softly #mira #sarah-cross #change

I can't believe this heat," Abbey said, taking her tunic and pulling it over her head. Underneath was a form-fitting top that showed a figure unaccustomed to idleness or excess. Kip stared at her the way he had at the shiney curves of the steel horse back in the garage. "Can you imagine what it must have been like hundreds of years ago, when weather changed just a few times a year?" she said, wiping sweat from her brow with the back of her hand. "Yeah, it must have looked great," Kip said. "What do you mean looked great?" Abbey said, turning her eye on Kip. "Must have been great, like you said," he corrected. ↗


— Shawn Keenan


#funny #heat #kip #pervert #change

The essence of courage is timing. Take me, for example. I’ll show up to fight anybody, anywhere. I’ll just show up a day late. ↗


— Jarod Kintz


#funny #humor #timing #courage

Yes it is" Eragon said before his courage left him "just like you ↗


— Christopher Paolini


#funny #courage

I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side. ↗


— Jarod Kintz


#cranberries #dating #funny #humor #music






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