#funny

Being sociable is a skill you can learn. It’s like throwing a spiral, riding a bicycle, or murdering your clone’s lover, who also happens to be your girlfriend. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #murder #funny

That night at the Brooklyn party, I was playing the girl who was in style, the girl a man like Nick wants: the Cool Girl. Men always say that as the defining compliment, don't they? She's a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she's hosting the world's biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. ↗

— Gillian Flynn

#funny

He caught her staring and smiled-not a conceited I-work-out-and-have-a-great-body type smirk, but more of a I’m-a-boy; you’re-a-girl; life is good. ↗

— Cherise Sinclair

#erotic-romance #funny #romance #funny

It's for upset stomachs," Dylan siad, trying to hide a smile. "It's to reduce gas in your digestive system, not to create gas to make explosions." Gazzy's face fell as Iggy said,"Really? Gazzy, take it! Take the whole thing!" "I second that emotion!" said Total. ↗

— James Patterson

#funny

God is an early bird; satan is a night owl. Everyone knows that. ↗

— Jon Acuff

#funny #god #satan #funny

So the reason I was struck again and again was because of my overwhelmingly positive energy. Funny, I'd always thought of myself as a pessimist. ↗

— Jennifer Bosworth

#energy #funny #irony #lightning #sarcasm

Yes!” He wrapped both arms around me, but when I tried to do the same he jumped away. “Watch the suit,” he said, glaring. Oh, boy. ↗

— Michelle Hodkin

#little-brothers #funny

You were a well-respected agent, Michael, a rags-to-riches fairytale ending. Until you became disgraced. Now it appears your own organization wishes to be rid of you. Why is this?” “My gun turned back into a pumpkin. ↗

— Nenia Campbell

#humor #sarcasm #funny

I was just turned last week. I'm a librarian." He stilled, as if I'd just told him I was the inventor of the tube top. "I watched a movie about a librarian once. Well, she was a librarian by day, a call girl by--" I stopped him with a quick lift of an eyebrow. "If you finish that sentence, we cannot be friends. ↗

— Molly Harper

#funny #jane-jameson #librarians #molly-harper #nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs

Doing the limbo under a razor pendulum is a lot cheaper than having a caesarian in a hospital. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #pendulum #pregnancy #funny