#funny

Mustaches are so cool that I not only have one—I have two. I wear both of mine above my eyes.
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— Jarod Kintz

#eyes #funny #humor #mustache #mustaches

Slayde came out of the kitchen, long brown hair pulled back into a ponytail, T-shirt dusted with flour, coffee in hand. "If you wake the kids up before two, I'm going to beat you with a skillet. ↗

— Sean Michael

#funny

Instead I sounded like a little girl on her first day of kindergarten. My name is Bee, and I like coloring and horsies. ↗

— Kate Avery Ellison

#funny

Captain Jibby looked at the door, clenched his teeth, and worked his face into a scowl so fierce you would think the door had insulted his mother - which, for the record, it had not. ↗

— Cuthbert Soup

#funny #insult #mother #funny

I used to have Santa and the whole coal thing, but between Wade and their father, the little shits get whatever they want. They no longer feel like they need the fat bastard! ↗

— Ethan Day

#humor #funny

A brick could be used like a used car salesman uses people. I know, because I used to sell cars. Well, technically I got fired precisely because I didn’t sell any cars.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

If she kept wondering about how much of her life Bran engineered, she’d end up on a funny farm knitting caps for ducks. ↗

— Patricia Briggs

#anna-cornick #bran-cornick #fair-game #humor #marrok

Boys,” Lindsay agreed, nodding. “What doesn't get lost in translation?” “Things with the letter X in front of them,” Rachel posited. “Like X-Box. And X-rated movies. ↗

— Nenia Campbell

#funny #humor #sex #sexual #funny

…breaking the heart of someone you still love is a rare horror, not funny to anyone, except perhaps Satan…and even his pleasure would be spoiled by not having had a hand in it, by the dumb, wasteful accident of the thing. The Devil wants meaning just like the rest of us. ↗

— Glenn Duncan

#love #meaning #the-devil #funny

I don’t think that you should tell me that you love me wildly, passionately, devotedly, hopelessly.  Hopelessly doesn’t seem to make much sense, does it? ↗

— Oscar Wilde

#sense #funny