#funny

A brick could be used as a measurement of time. Yes, just think how stylish you’ll look with a brick duct taped to your wrist!
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket #funny #humor #random #strange

She put her hand on her hip. "Where are you going?" "To the boat. You called me Lord Bill again. That means we're cool." Cerise slapped her forehead with the heel of her hand and followed him. ↗

— Ilona Andrews

#cerise #funny #ilona-andrews #lord-bill #the-edge

There ain't no "baby mama drama" up in this Vortex, homie! ↗

— Esther Hicks

#channeling-woo #funny #funny

There once was a man who was sore 'Cuz his wife wouldn't open the door. Celibacy is just not for me Let me in, you cock-teasing whore. ↗

— Jake Wizner

#funny

The following ten throws went a variety of places. I never hit the target, but I was getting closer. Isabella was laughing so hard she wrote "Please stop can't breathe" in the dirt with her finger. ↗

— Jim Benton

#funny #laugh #miss #target #throw

There's nothing quite as funny as someone else's misery - Cassel Sharpe ↗

— Holly Black

#fiction #funny

Tim and Raine are coming in." "Are they insane?" "Apparently. ↗

— Susan Bischoff

#chronicles #curfew #funny #heroes #susan

I seduce women by making women feel like they are seducing me. And I allow them to pay for that privilege. And as we all know, you value what you pay for more than what you’re given for free. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#privilege #seduce #value #funny

Colors and scents evoke strong emotions. Lavender, both the light purple and the smell, make me feel tranquil. But another color, canary urine, reminds me of public bathrooms, and all the fond memories of waiting for Father. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #funny

My favorite thing to do is watch the radiation box. Not the TV, but the microwave. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#microwave #tv #funny