#funny

I once made love to a taco shell stuffed with rancid meat and watery tomato bits. It was the best sex I’ve ever served to an unsuspecting customer. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #customer #dining #food #funny

It's funny how cucumber water can taste so much better than pickle juice, even though they come from the same source. ↗

— Ellen DeGeneres

#funny #pickles #random #funny

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected. ↗

— Robert Orben

#children #hand #leaves #never #raise

How dare you! My hair color has NOTHING whatsoever to do with my psycological problems! ↗

— Cat Valentine ariana grande

#victorious #funny

I say that I'm not into you like that, Camryn, because..," he pauses, searching my face, looking at my lips for a moment as if deciding whether or not he should kiss them again, "...because you're not the girl I could only sleep with once. ↗

— J.A. Redmerski

#camryn-and-andrew #camryn-bennett #cute #funny #j-a-redmerski

Answers to Frequently Asked Questions: Yes. Yes. No. One time in high school. Three times in my twenties. Rocks no salt. Yes. Four. Never. And how dare you! I will take no further questions. ↗

— Ellen DeGeneres

#funny #funny

Meatloaf is meatloaf is not a true statement. You can have gravy on top, ketchup on top, and don’t forget you can also have love on top--however, you must understand that I would do anything, but I won’t do that. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#love #meatloaf #funny

I didn’t sacrifice everything for love, just my mother when love required a caesarian. ↗

— Bauvard

#love #sacrifice #funny

I’ve always envied flies. Think about it: you’re a fly, your name is an action, the very thing you do all the time. It’s your innate action in life, the thing you were born to do. It’s like a salesperson who was named Sell. I love that. If I ever met a salesperson who said, “Hi, I’m Sell,” I’d reply, “And I’m sold!. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #salesman #funny

No. Because it's so stupid no Dauntless with any sense would speak it, let alone think it. Pansycake. What are you, twelve?" "And a half," he says. ↗

— Veronica Roth

#insurgent #pansycake #uriah #veronica-roth #funny