#funny

Glaring at the Gasman, ter Borcht said, “Your time is coming to an end, you pathetic failure of an experiment. Vhat you say now is how you vill be remembered.” Gazzy’s blue eyes flashed. “Then you can remember me telling you to kiss my-” “Enough!” ter Borcht said. ↗

— James Patterson

#badass #cool-response #death #end #funny

We losers don't fear death. For us it's the end of a lifelong losing spell. ↗

— Dakota Dawn

#life #truth #wisdom #death

In America, you pay your insurance, or you die. Assessment of risk is lifeblood. But here, I can’t tell. People may be insured, or they may not. Poverty and death are constantly looming, but the populace is never engulfed, nor have I been set at ease with the bright smiles which imply a comprehensive dental plan. At most, I fear that only a crude scraping is covered, and that fluoride treatment is being neglected entirely. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny #insurance #death

Adam pressed his hand to his face. Sighed. "Right. It's just that… He died. And I'm so freaking pissed off, I swear I'd punch him in the face if he were standing right here. ↗

— Kristina McBride

#funny #grief #humor #humour #death

A job is like a politician struggling in the water. Be sure you hold it down.
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— Jarod Kintz

#drown #drowning #economy #funny #humor

I got you a birthday present. The box is the exact same size as a coffin.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#coffin #death #funny #gift #humor

For your birthday I got you some batteries. They’re dead, just like you’ll soon be.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#birthday #dead #death #funny #gift

The cops came by and said my nemesis had been poisoned, shot, stabbed, beaten, hung, drowned, and subjected to Gilbert Gottfried’s voice at a high decibel level. “Ah,” I said, “so you suspect his death was a suicide.”
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— Jarod Kintz

#death #funny #humor #nemesis #police

The proudest confessions are always barely legal. The fondest memories are always underage. The most innocent experiences are always infantile. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #illegality #memory #pedophilia #experience

A brick could be used instead of a red light. They’re both red, and I’d run both with equal fervor.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny