#funny

Revel in grossness. Leave food in your teeth. Proudly display feminine hygiene products. ↗

— Jennifer Ziegler

#food #funny #gross #food

When she offered me a spot of tea, I said, “No thanks, I’ve already got a spot of tea on my shirt.”
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— Jarod Kintz

#funny #hospitality #humor #random #random-thought

The poor spend all their free time drinking. It helps cope with the terrible drudgery of obtaining food stamps. An ethic of alcoholism prevails among the upper class too, but they use leisure to deal with it. ↗

— Bauvard

#drinking #food-stamps #funny #humor #leisure

Is there a gun that shoots rain? Oh yeah, water guns. How technologically advanced we are!
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#civilization #civilized #culture #funny #gun

If I were a professor, I’d bring my cat to class. I’d be silent until it meowed, and as soon as it did, I’d stand up and say, “Lecture’s over.”
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— Jarod Kintz

#cats #college #funny #humor #lecture

I’m not opposed to new people, I just don’t like their packaging (diapers). ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #funny

When someone says so-and-so’s opinionated, what’s that mean? Aren’t we all opinionated? Show me one person with no opinions, and I’ll show you a bowl of Jell-O—or a politician, whichever one’s dumber.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #politicians #politics #random

Every sex noise can be converted into a note and frozen in a can of soda. Ask me about menstruation music today! 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#convert #drink #frozen #funny #humor

My shadow falling over a spot of land always increases its real estate value. Buy it now, because at high noon, all value will vanish.
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— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #noon #random #random-thought

I was once attacked by a Federal park. But due to governmental inefficiencies, I had to report it to highway patrol.
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— Jarod Kintz

#funny #government #humor #inefficient #food