#funny

Well," said Clary, after a judicious pause, "I guess you wouldn't have taken advantage of her when she's so grief-stricken and all." Simon snorted. "If you ever meet the man who could take advantage of Isabelle, you'll have to let me know. I'd like to shake his hand. Or run away from him very fast, I'm not sure which. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#funny-and-random #isabelle-lightwood #funny

When a boy's first romantic interlude is with Pheobe the Dog-Faced Girl, he feels a need to get out into the world and find a new life. ↗

— Annette Curtis Klause

#circus #dating #funny #girls #humor

He dug his heels into his horse's flanks and sped down the path. He heard the others call out behind him, but he ignored them. He was sure Karl and Johan and the others would have searched the rosebush and that entire are carefully enough; there was nothing to learn there. But he wanted to get to the hunting lodge, to find Prince Grigori and punch him in the nose for losing Petunia, and then make certain that her sisters were alright. And then her would find Petunia, and he would bring her home. ↗

— Jessica Day George

#funny #oliver #petunia #prince-grigori #rescue

Oh here's a nice one, he brown recluse spider. This once resides in wooded areas. In other words, next to my head while I'm sleeping. ' In a small number of cases, a bite from a brown recluse can produce organ damage with occasional fatalities.' " "That's the worst-case scenario. how can it be? It's called a 'recluse'" "It's been my experience that all recluses have a mean streak. ↗

— Yvonne Prinz

#mothers-and-daughters #spiders #experience

You just tell me when and where, and not only will I not be there, but I’ll also be late. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #late #stood-up #tardy

I want to own a wind farm. Don’t breathe, or you’ll undermine the price of my crop. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #funny

I want to get the huge wart that looks like a nose removed from my back, but first I'm going to try to grow a mustache underneath it, to make it less noticeable. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#blemish #funny #grotesque #humor #mustache

Still nothing," Raven answered "This is shitty. We are going to have to invest in heat sensors. These motion detectors blow Satan's left nut. ↗

— Gabrielle Evans

#humor #serious #faith

You don't appreciate a faithful husband when you've got one,' said Tommy. 'All my friends tell me you never know with husbands,' said Tuppance. 'You have the wrong kind of friends,' said Tommy. ↗

— Agatha Christie

#faithfulness #friends #funny #humor #husband

I’m not aspiring to be someone else – If I’m me for the rest of my life then so be it ↗

— Terry Lander

#comedy #funny #humour #inspiration #life