#funny

It's funny; I actually made poorer decisions when I sobered up then when I was screwed up. ↗

— Corey Feldman

#decisions #funny #i #made #poorer

I'll have that someday, thought Peter. Someone who'll kiss me good-bye at the door. Or maybe just someone to put a blindfold over my head before they shoot me. Depending on how things turn out. ↗

— Orson Scott Card

#death #funny-but-sad #goals #humor #life

I`ve got a black woolen hat and it`s got Pervert written across the front of it. It`s the name of the clothing label. And I was with my wife and my baby at the supermarket and I didn`t think. I just put my hat on Clara`s head, because it was cold. And the looks. I couldn`t figure out why I was getting death looks. And then I realized my 10-month old baby`s wearing a hat with the word Pervert written on it and these people were like, `There`s Satan! There`s Satan out with his kid!` And then I made a point of her wearing it every time we went there. ↗

— Ewan McGregor

#children #funny #humor #mistakes #death

I’m an idiot. I’m ten times an idiot. God, I could just die.” Then I forged ahead because the last comment was too close for comfort these days. “Not die die, as in not-breathing die, but die figuratively, if you know what I mean.” Lee was grinning. ↗

— Kristen Ashley

#funny

If most people with dreams actually realized them, we wouldn’t have to worry about rainy days. What we’d have to worry about is getting absentminded and stepping off of a cloud. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny #humor #dreams

A man is always devoted to something more tangible than a woman - the idea of her. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #idealism #love #men-and-women #funny

When I turn back to Jase, he’s again beaming at me. “You’re nice.” He sounds pleased, as if he hadn’t expected this aspect of my personality. ↗

— Huntley Fitzpatrick

#humour #romance #young-adult #young-adult-romance #funny

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long. ↗

— James Thurber

#long #only #progress #right #too

You put funny people in funny costumes and paint them green and we could talk about anything we wanted to, because that was the only thing that fascinated Gene about this particular genre. ↗

— Majel Barrett

#anything #because #costumes #could #fascinated

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. ↗

— Dave Barry

#absorb #another #body #cholesterol #fact