#funny

I'm worried he's going to...do something crazy." "He lives in a hole in the ground, dresses funny and occasionally eats his assistants," Eve said. "Define crazy." Claire closed her eyes. "Okay. I think he wants to put my brain in a jar and wire it into the machine." Dead silence. ↗

— Rachel Caine

#eve-rosser #myrnin #funny

Haven't you ever heard of the saying, "If you want to shoot the general, first shoot the horse!"?' --Lin If you wanna shoot the general, then you should just SHOOT THE GENERAL!' --Ed ↗

— Hiromu Arakawa

#funny #humor #funny

Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak! ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#dumbledore #funny #the-philosopher-s-stone #funny

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man. ↗

— Bertrand Russell

#democracy #funny #humour #politics #revolution

Ride?" Rhage snorted. "Please. That thing is a sewing machine with an air dam taped to it. My GTO could dust the fucker in fourth gear from a dead stop." When there was an odd sound from behind, John looked back. So did the three Brothers. "What." Xhex bristled and crossed her arms over her chest. "I can laugh, you know. And that's . . . pretty damn funny." Rhage beamed. "I knew I liked you. ↗

— J.R. Ward

#funny

Gimme an S! A T! An O! A C! Followed by a K-H-O-L-M! What's it spell? HEAD FUCK. - Jane ↗

— J.R. Ward

#humor #insane-in-the-membrane #funny

I want to say something so embarrassing about September that even the leaves start blushing and turning red. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#embarrassing #fall #funny #humor #leaves

Isn't it weird," I said, "the way you remember things, when someone's gone?" What do you mean?" I ate another piece of waffle. "When my dad first died, all I could think about was that day. It's taken me so long to be able to think back to before that, to everything else." Wes was nodding before I even finished. "It's even worse when someone's sick for a long time," he said. "You forget they were ever healthy, ever okay. It's like there was never a time when you weren't waiting for something awful to happen." But there was," I said. "I mean, it's only been in the last few months that I've started remembering all this good stuff, funny stuff about my dad. I can't believe I ever forgot it in the first place." You didn't forget," Wes said, taking a sip of his water. "You just couldn't remember right then. But now you're ready to, so you can." I thought about this as I finished off my waffle. ↗

— Sarah Dessen

#macy #waffles #wes #funny

I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit? ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#alcohol #drinking #foreplay #funny #humor

I'm not leaving, Kitten. You're going to do this." My mouth opened as did the door behind us. Stomach dropping, I turned to see Mom standing there in all her fuzzy-bunny pajama glory. Oh, for the love of God. ↗

— Jennifer L. Armentrout

#bonus-points #daemon #embarrassing #funny #katy