#funny

I like to vote, but not be voted on. I don’t mind losing one on one, but to lose through a vote means the majority think I’m a loser. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #loser #truism #funny

And while my mind is telling me I'm flirting with her just to prove a point, my body wants to play "you show me your perky privates and I'll show you mine. ↗

— Simone Elkeles

#rules-of-attraction #funny

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious. ↗

— Bill Hicks

#funny

Today is your special day, even if today might be tomorrow to an Australian. And even though you’re not Australian, it doesn’t negate the fact that today may or may not be tomorrow. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #motivation #today #tomorrow #funny

Napoleon made war like I make love—from a height of about 68 centimeters. (I wear platform shoes while I’m on my knees) ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#love #napoleon #war #funny

If I ever go to China, I’m going to find a piano and play “Chopsticks”--only not with my fingers, but rather I’ll be using two forks. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#chopsticks #funny #piano #random #funny

You will not kill my girlfriend today, International Terrorists of Ambiguous Nationality! ↗

— John Green

#funny #the-fault-in-our-stars #funny

Did he teach you how to bore you opponents to sleep? Because I think I missed that lesson - Allie ↗

— Julie Kagawa

#funny-comebacks #funny

My congratulations to you, sir. Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good. ↗

— Samuel Johnson

#funny #humour #review #funny

Did those nice church ladies come by again?" He nodded. "I asked them if a man died and then the woman remarried, and then the three of them met in heaven, would it be a sin for them to have a threesome, since they were all married in God's eye. And they decided they were late to be somewhere else. ↗

— Ilona Andrews

#ascanio #awesome #church #funny #hilarious