#funny

Funny thing about revenge. It could make a killer out of a nun. ↗

— Kevis Hendrickson

#revenge #rogue-hunter-saga #zyra-zanr #funny

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. ↗

— Steven Wright

#far #forever #good #i #intend

The elephant’s love for him was a love I have never known – yet always longed to. For why should he be remembered always, and not I? ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny #love #memory #funny

Her eyes narrowed, and her lips parted around a knowing laugh. "Oh. It's you." "Pardon?" He was taken aback. "Do we know each other, lass?" He was quite certain they didn't; he could never have forgotten this woman. The enticing manner in which her lips were currently pursed would have been seared into his memory. "The answer is no. I don't know you. But every other woman in this room does. Duncan Douglas, isn't it?" she said dryly. Duncan studied her face. Although she was young-perhaps no more than twenty-she had a regal bearing beyond her years. "I do have some reputation with the lasses," he conceded, downplaying his prowess, confident of her impending maidenly swoon. The look she gave him was far from admiring. He did a double take when he realized her gaze was downright disparaging. "Not something I care for in a man," she said coolly. "Thank you for your offer, but I'd sooner dance with last week's rushes. They would be less used. Who wants what everyone else has already had?" The words were delivered in a cool, modulated tone, shaped by an odd accent he couldn't place. Quite finished with him, she presented her back and resumed talking to her companion. Duncan was immobilized by shock. ↗

— Karen Marie Moning

#duncan #karen-marie-moning #ohmigawd-funny #the-highlander-s-touch #funny

Anytime there's a bad female stand-up somewhere, some dickhead Interblogger will deduce that "women aren't funny." Using that same math, I can state: Male comedy writers piss in cups. ↗

— Tina Fey

#feminism #humor #funny

People who agree to toil for minimum wage are natural slaves. But I’m not among that group. I volunteer to work for those slaves for free. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #slavery #work #funny

I want to volunteer for global flood relief without abandoning my mountaintop, so I’m making a really long straw. Preparation is everything. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #preparation #funny

Where does love reveal itself? In beds, sofas, bathtubs – each section of a department store has its advantages. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #love #funny

If I could convert my love into clay, and then shape it, I wonder if Agatha would expect a Rodin or a Branscusi. In reality it would be neither, as my love sculpture would look exactly like the Grand Canyon. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#love #funny

Spider venom comes in many forms. It can often take a long while to discover the full effects of the bite. Naturalists have pondered this for years: there are spiders whose bite can cause the place bitten to rot and to die, sometimes more than a year after it was bitten. As to why spiders do this, the answer is simple. It's because spiders think this is funny, and they don't want you ever to forget them. ↗

— Neil Gaiman

#spider-bites #spiders #funny