#funny

If gossipers were clocks, they’d go tock-tock, tock-tock, tock-tock… ↗

— Benson Bruno

#gossip #humor #time #funny

To the stupidity of men, " Dakota said, raising a glass. "And my brother, who is their king. ↗

— Susan Mallery

#girlfriend #humor #funny

Damn it,” I said. “I don't suppose you have any ideas on how to kill Littleton.” He smiled at me, his teeth very white in the darkness of his face. “Eat him,” he said. “Very funny,” I turned to leave. “Kill the vampire and the demon goes away,” He told me. “That's what the witch told Adam. And you kill a vampire by staking him, cutting off his head, and then burning him. “Thank you” After I shut the door behind me, I heard Darryl say, “Of course, eating him would work, too. ↗

— Patricia Briggs

#darryl #funny #mercy-thompson #funny

Funny thing about revenge. It could make a killer out of a nun. ↗

— Kevis Hendrickson

#revenge #rogue-hunter-saga #zyra-zanr #funny

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. ↗

— Steven Wright

#far #forever #good #i #intend

The elephant’s love for him was a love I have never known – yet always longed to. For why should he be remembered always, and not I? ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny #love #memory #funny

Her eyes narrowed, and her lips parted around a knowing laugh. "Oh. It's you." "Pardon?" He was taken aback. "Do we know each other, lass?" He was quite certain they didn't; he could never have forgotten this woman. The enticing manner in which her lips were currently pursed would have been seared into his memory. "The answer is no. I don't know you. But every other woman in this room does. Duncan Douglas, isn't it?" she said dryly. Duncan studied her face. Although she was young-perhaps no more than twenty-she had a regal bearing beyond her years. "I do have some reputation with the lasses," he conceded, downplaying his prowess, confident of her impending maidenly swoon. The look she gave him was far from admiring. He did a double take when he realized her gaze was downright disparaging. "Not something I care for in a man," she said coolly. "Thank you for your offer, but I'd sooner dance with last week's rushes. They would be less used. Who wants what everyone else has already had?" The words were delivered in a cool, modulated tone, shaped by an odd accent he couldn't place. Quite finished with him, she presented her back and resumed talking to her companion. Duncan was immobilized by shock. ↗

— Karen Marie Moning

#duncan #karen-marie-moning #ohmigawd-funny #the-highlander-s-touch #funny

My bootlegger used up all the whiskey when he went on that drive, but I drank his gasoline before he left. I really should have checked his tank before chugging that bottle. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny #humor #funny

Weetzie could see him--it was a man, a little man in a turban, with a jewel in his nose, harem pants, and curly-toed slippers. "Lanky Lizards!" Weetzie exclaimed. "Greetings," said the man in an odd voice, a rich, dark purr. "Oh, shit!" Weetzie said. "I beg your pardon? Is that your wish? ↗

— Francesca Lia Block

#funny #genies #humor #weetzie-bat #wishes

Took me a while to get to the point today, but that is because I did not know what the point was when I started. ↗

— William Safire

#funny