#funny

I come from a long line of miserable people. ↗

— Arlene Schindler

#family #funny #funny-but-true #humor #miserable

In Jacksonville, there are more childrenless children than fatherless children. Barely. But that’s one bad thing that’s actually a good thing. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#family #father #florida #funny #humor

If this happened in a Fae marriage, then the female would beat the male into submission. If she is too small to beat him properly, one of the larger women of her family would perform the task for her. ↗

— Sophie Oak

#intresting-marriage #women-rites #family

I never knew my father. I saw him at a party once, but he never walked over and introduced himself to me.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#father #funny #humor #introduce #introduction

I possess an object that reminds me of your stepdad’s bowel movements. It’s brown and squishy and smells like yesterday.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#crap #family #feces #funny #humor

A monster’s not a monster to another monster. At least that’s what I thought when I saw my mother-in-law talking to a statue of Stalin.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#evil #family #funny #humor #monster

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor #food

This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it. ↗

— Chelsea Handler

#funny #humor #food

If you’re a cannibal, an Olympic sprinter would be considered fast food. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#cannibalism #fast-food #food #funny #humor

A brick is a duplicate. It is a physical copy of the idea for a brick. And what’s the big idea? A brick represents unity, a notion of hey, let’s build something together. Like a house, for example. And after you help me build my house, I’ll use a leftover brick and smash you over the skull so that not only will I not have to pay you for your labor, but I won’t have to pay the butcher for meat, because with your sturdy body, I’m sure I’ll have enough food to feed my family for a year. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny