#funny

So I have. Let me hold the baby, Scarlett. Oh, I know how to hold babies. I have many strange accomplishments. Well, he certainly looks like Frank. All except the whiskers, but give him time.” “I hope not. It’s a girl. ↗

— Margaret Mitchell

#funny

I could name my penis Steve, and it would be appropriate, as it is sort of shaped like my dad’s face, whose name is Steve. Not just his face, but his whole body and person is named Steve. And he’s a dick. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #penis #funny

David tells me that fairies never say 'We feel happy': what they say is, 'We feel dancey'. ↗

— J.M. Barrie

#david #fairy #fantasy #funny #happy

Percy: I thought I’d lost my mom forever, and I was stuck on a hill in a thunderstorm fighting this huge bull dude while Grover was passed out wailing. “Food!” It was terrifying, man. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#percy-jackson #food

Imperio!” Moody jerked his wand, and the spider rose onto two of its hind legs and went into what was unmistakably a tap dance. Everyone was laughing — everyone except Moody. “Think it’s funny, do you?” he growled. “You’d like it, would you, if I did it to you?” The laughter died away almost instantly. ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#mad-eye-moody #spells #spiders #tap-dance #funny

Don't look pleased with yourself. When Will says 'enterprising, ' he means 'morally deficient. '" "No, I mean enterprising, " said Will. "When I mean morally deficient, I say, 'Now, that's something I would have done. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#funny

I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it. ↗

— Dylan Moran

#funny #funny

She has to agree to have me. It could take some time, but I’m confident I can trick her into it. ↗

— Robyn Carr

#humour #romance #funny

You realise you’re going to owe me dinner after this, right?” “How does McDonald’s sound?” “Inadequate. ↗

— Sarah Mayberry

#humour #romance #funny

I think it would be rewarding to be a professional non-thinker, because I’m always trying to do the exact opposite of work. So I might as well spend eight hours a day deep in thought. Plus, I think it would be marvelous to hear my boss scream, “What are you doing thinking? Get back to work. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #strange #thinking #funny