#hilarious

Damn it! I knew she was a monster! John! Amy! Listen! Guard your buttholes. ↗

— David Wong

#funny #hilarious #spiders #funny

Bombs Away!" he yelled, swooping low over StregaSchloss. He saw little figures on the ground fleeing from the large green projectile that was speeding their way. "And a direct hit, if I'm not mistaken," he observed to himself. With a tremendous slapping sound, Ffup's digestive overload landed on a human target. There was a scream, a ghastly choking sound, and then silence. ↗

— Debi Gliori

#gross #hilarious #humor #funny

I had to make water ” I said. It was the classic female excuse and no male in recorded history had ever questioned it. “I see ” the Inspector said and left it at that. Later I would have a quick piddle behind the caravan for insurance purposes. No one would be any the wiser. ↗

— Alan Bradley

#hilarious #lol #lol

so, what are you in for? MANSLAUGHTER!!! I SLAUGHTERED A MAN!! JUST LIKE A PIG!!! PUT HIM ON A SPIT AND PUT AN APPLE IN HIS MOUTH!!!! ↗

— Brian Regan

#humor #man #manslaughter #pig #business

Oh man, Alex. That's sad. Seriously, mate, go get yourself laid." "What?" He gave Baldrick a quick kiss on his little head--he didn't care how stupid he looked, he loved his ugly cat--and put him down on his kitty bed in the corner. "Isn't that what single sad people do--get cats when they've given up on human companionship? ↗

— L.A. Gilbert

#the-truth-about-cats #love

No," Nathan grumbled. "Like, not piss on him, just all around him." Stuart raised an eyebrow. "Nath, you need to chill. We're in a bar, a busy bar. We can't stop people talking to each other." "I know but-" "Look, don't worry about it," Stuart insisted. "Try not to turn into a bunny boiler just yet. ↗

— Melanie Tushmore

#jealousy #business

Hadn’t retired reporter Stan warned him of how protective Cosimo was of his granddaughters? What if the Carusos had discovered his identity and wanted to rub him out as they’d rubbed out his father? Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. ↗

— Christie Ridgway

#hilarious #prayer #death