#hum

Infuriated, I scrambled over him, even more furious when I saw the humored glint in his eyes. "God you tick me off." "Well at least I got you--" "Don't even finish that statement! ↗

— Jennifer L. Armentrout

#jennifer-armentrout #katy-swartz #opal #the-lux-series #humor

There's an inverse relationship between my temper and my ability to control my accent. If you hear me say 'Fiddledeedee', run for the hills, because I'm getting ready to take out bystanders. ↗

— Molly Harper

#mo #molly-harper #werewolf #humor

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor

Spontaneous human combustion is for superstitious atheists. I believe in deliberate human combustion. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #funny

Guns, she was reminded then, were not for girls. They were for boys. They were invented by boys. They were invented by boys who had never gotten over their disappointment that accompanying their own orgasm there wasn't a big boom sound. ↗

— Lorrie Moore

#humor #men #sex #humor

There should be a phone service that turns off your phone between midnight and six A.M. every night. And if you want to make a call, you have to pick up the phone and talk to an operator: Put me through to AAA. My car battery's dead. Yes, ma'am. Put me through to Pink Dot. I need vanilla Häagen-Dazs toute de suite! Yes, ma'am. Put me through to my ex-boyfriend... I'm sorry, ma'am, the operator would say. That would be a bad idea. Now you go to bed before you do anything stupid. ↗

— Kim Gruenenfelder

#humor

The spells are made up. I have met people who assure me, very seriously, that they are trying to do them, and I can assure them, just as seriously, that they don’t work. ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#magic #humor

Whenever other Lore creatures like the nymphs and satyrs turned their noses up at the “hex-hacks,” Carrow would raise both her hands in the rock-on horns gesture and shout, “Double, double, toil and trouble, muthafuckas! You just got cursed!” Then she actually would curse them. ↗

— Kresley Cole

#humor

Not all librarians are evil cultists. Some librarians are instead vengeful undead who want to suck your soul. ↗

— Brandon Sanderson

#humor #librarians #humor

I'm a girl of extremes. When I love something, I'm like a puppy dog (without all the licking). When I'm cranky, I'm a wasp (like a whole hive of 'em). And when I'm angry, I'm a Mother Bear with a predator after her cubs: Dangerous. ↗

— James Patterson

#humor