#hum

I've seen more intelligence in the crotch lice of harem whores. ↗

— Christopher Moore

#insult #humor

Orion brightened. "I have an idea." "Yes?" said Foaly, daring to hope that a spark of Artemis remained. "Why don't we look for some magic stones that can grant wishes? Or, if that doesn't work, you could search my naked body for some mysterious birthmark that means I am actually the prince of somewhere or other. ↗

— Eoin Colfer

#atlantis #birthmarks #complex #foaly #humor

Bad kitty!" he screeched, snarling and baring his fangs at Grimalkin, who yawned and turned away to groom his tail. "Evil, evil, sneaky kitty! Bite your head off in your sleep, I will! Hang you by your toes and set you on fire! Burn, Burn!" -Razor ↗

— Julie Kagawa

#humor

My formula for life is very simple: in the morning, wake up; at night, go to sleep. In between I try and occupy myself as best I can. ↗

— Cary Grant

#life #humor

Hell may have all the best composers, but heaven has all the best choreographers. ↗

— Neil Gaiman

#humor

I never understood how men could remember all those details about sports but, yet, were incapable of remembering where they set their car keys or wallet. ↗

— Tina Reber

#love #men #tina-reber #humor

I’m nearsighted in one eye and farsighted in another. Instead of railroad tracks converging in the distance, the workers got lazy halfway there and switched from building one side of the track to the other. So when my brother was standing in front of an oncoming train, I told him not to be worried – the tracks are still under construction. I just never expected the train to have hovering technology. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#humor #trains #vision #funny

• If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor #funny

Grinning is something you do when you're entertained in some way, such as watching one you don't care for spill soda all over themselves. ↗

— Lemony Snicket

#funny #grinning #humorous #funny

I don't know where my ideas come from. I will admit, however, that one key ingredient is caffeine. I get a couple cups of coffee into me and weird things just start to happen. ↗

— Gary Larson

#funny #humor #inspirational #funny