#hum

The only thing worse than having a party that no one attends is having a party attended only by two vastly, deeply uninteresting people. ↗

— John Green

#humour

You're not allowed to call them dinosaurs any more," said Yo-less. "It's speciesist. You have to call them pre-petroleum persons. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#euphemism #humour #political-correctness #humour

The King had advertised the old magic tea set, but for some reason, no one wanted sugar teeth that could gouge their eyes out. ↗

— Heather Dixon

#magic #advertising

I don't know the rules of grammar. If you're trying to persuade people to do something, or buy something, it seems to me you should use their language. ↗

— David Ogilvy

#grammar #humour #advertising

The average IQ in America is—and this can be proven mathematically—average. ↗

— P.J. O'Rourke

#humour #iq-tests #maths #math

I have no problem with god - it's his fan club that scars me. ↗

— A.B. Potts

#god #humour #atheist

If we take in our hand any volume; of divinity or school metaphysics, for instance; let us ask, Does it contain any abstract reasoning concerning quantity or number? No. Does it contain any experimental reasoning concerning matter of fact and existence? No. Commit it then to the flames: for it can contain nothing but sophistry and illusion. ↗

— David Hume

#hume #metaphysics

There are so many impatient people in the world. It seems everyone wants something right this second. We don't want to wait in lines, we get fidgety when our food takes too long to cook, and we have no tolerance whatsoever for anyone who holds us up from doing anything we want to do the moment we want to do it. I'm bothered right now that I'm having to wait till the end of this sentence to see what word I end up on. On, who knew? It's particularly hard to wait for things that are days or weeks or even months away. Calendars mock you, clocks pester you, and the rotation of the earth seems to slow by at least forty percent. I suppose, however, that if you were preparing to take over the world and you needed one final piece to fall into place, but that piece had to be slowly dragged over the dirt so it didn't die, that would be really hard to wait for. I'd feel sorry for whoever that happened to, but then again they were trying to take over the world and all. So please, no sympathy for Azure. ↗

— Obert Skye

#impatient #leven-thumps #food

I said, "I'll take the T-bone steak." A soft voice mooed, "Oh wow." And I looked up and realized The waitress was a cow. I cried, "Mistake--forget the the steak. I'll take the chicken then." I heard a cluck--'twas just my luck The busboy was a hen. I said, "Okay no, fowl today. I'll have the seafood dish." Then I saw through the kitchen door The cook--he was a fish. I screamed, "Is there anyone workin' here Who's an onion or a beet? No? Your're sure? Okay then friends, A salad's what I'll eat." They looked at me. "Oh,no," they said, "The owner is a cabbage head. ↗

— Shel Silverstein

#cooking

Someday is not a day of the week. ↗

— Janet Dailey

#procrastination #humor