#hum

What the hell is that?" I laughed. "It's my fox hat." "Your fox hat?" "Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat." "Why are you wearing your fox hat?" I asked. "Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox. ↗

— John Green

#humor #funny

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it. ↗

— Rodney Dangerfield

#funny #humour #neighborhoods #funny

The longer and more carefully we look at a funny story, the sadder it becomes. ↗

— Nikolai Gogol

#sadness #funny

I thought I'd lie on the floor and writhe in pain for a while," he grunted, "It relaxes me." "It does? Oh - you're being sarcastic. That's a good sign probably. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#humor #funny

Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they'd lock us up?" All the time. ↗

— Wendy Mass

#funny #humor #jeremy-fink #jetsam #keys

Is this Clarissa Fray?" The voice on the other end of the phone sounded familiar, though not immediately identifiable. Clary twirled the phone cord nervously around her finger. "Yeees?" "Hi, I'm one of the knife-carrying hooligans you met last night in Pandemonium? I"m afraid I made a bad impression and was hoping you'd give me a chance to make it up to-" "SIMON!" Clary held the phone away from her ear as he cracked up laughing. "That is so not funny!" "Sure it is. You just don't see the humor." "Jerk." Clary sighed, leaning up against the wall. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#humor #joke #phone #simon-lewis #tease

I think the key indicator for wealth is not good grades, work ethic, or IQ. I believe it's relationships. Ask yourself two questions: How many people do I know, and how much ransom money could I get for each one? ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #grades #humor #iq #kidnap

I suppose I'll have to add the force of gravity to my list of enemies. ↗

— Lemony Snicket

#humor

You know, Ham," Breeze noted. "The only funny thing about your jokes is how often they lack any humor whatsoever. ↗

— Brandon Sanderson

#p- #funny

Writing is easy. You only need to stare at a blank piece of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead. ↗

— Gene Fowler

#humor