#humor

A passport, as I'm sure you know, is a document that one shows to government officials whenever one reaches a border between two countries, so that the official can learn who you are, where you were born, and how you look when photographed unflatteringly. ↗

— Lemony Snicket

#passports #humor

Surprisingly, fainting sounded like a really good idea. If I fainted, I'd be unconscious, so I wouldn't have to see the impossible anymore, nor would I have to feel so dizzy and sick. Than maybe when I woke up, all of this would go away and I'd find it was all just a bad dream. The mist started to turn dark around the edges.....For the record: fainting sucks. ↗

— Jenna Black

#glimmerglass #humor #dreams

Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat...college, ↗

— Woody Allen

#parents #humor

Violet: "You're an asshole." Onyx: "Thank you, it's something that took an eternity to perfect. ↗

— Jessica Shirvington

#demons #humor #ya #humor

Well, because you mysteriously came all this way and obviously are not the man I thought you were, why the heck not. So, Phet, if that’s even your real name, tell me, how do I defeat Lokesh?” “It’s simple. Do to him what I did to you.” “What? Talk to him in broken English? ↗

— Colleen Houck

#humor

Everything is perfect. Everything is fine. The rules of life are made up. The rules only exist in your mind. Of course there may be courtesies And closures and laws to abide, But the zeal with which you play Relies on where YOU draw the line ↗

— Jason Mraz

#inspiring #humor

People flock in, nevertheless, in search of answers to those questions only librarians are considered to be able to answer, such as "Is this the laundry?" "How do you spell surreptitious?" and, on a regular basis, "Do you have a book I remember reading once? It had a red cover and it turned out they were twins. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#librarians #humor

I know that even now, having watched enough television, you probably won't even refer to them as lepers so as to spare their feelings. You probably call them 'parts-dropping-off challenged' or something. ↗

— Christopher Moore

#political-correctness #humor

Trying to fall out of love is like trying to climb a mountain. Blindfolded, on crutches, naked in a hail storm. ↗

— Louise Caiola

#love #relationships #humor

Oh, please, if its ass is feathered and waterproof, its a duck. Hello, pictures with little word balloons makes it a comic book. They're dorky comic books for nerdy antisocial, nonbathing people. End of discussion. ↗

— P.C. Cast

#humor