#humor

I coiled my empty straw wrapper around like a snake. Then I bit it before it could bite me. My love is as dangerous as my drinking habits.
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— Jarod Kintz

#coil #danger #dangerous #drink #drinking

She looked genuinely confused. “I…I don’t know. He just seems so sweet and out of place. I guess I feel sorry for him. Kinda like a lost puppy.” “Great, well, can you just take him home with you then? I’m allergic. ↗

— Christy Trujillo

#humor #true-north #home

A brick could be used to bestow gratitude upon your favorite (or least favorite) politician. Let them know your approval level by giving them the gift that says both Thank You—and Fuck You.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

Hap sighed. If he could change one thing about Umber-besides his constant need for the thrill of exploration-it would be his obsession with secrets and surprises. ↗

— P.W. Catanese

#humor #change

Leave me with my leftover meatloaf and my Yesterday Sandwich. I’ll be in love tomorrow, if you come back with the ketchup. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #ketchup #leftovers #life

My rapier wit hides my inner pain. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#jace-wayland #the-mortal-instruments #tmi #humor

Your own brain ought to have the decency to be on your side! ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#humor #insanity #life #sanity #humor

I know that having a good vocabulary doesn't guarantee that I'm a good person, but it does mean I've read a great deal. And in my experience, well-read people are less likely to be evil. ↗

— Lemony Snicket

#experience

He knew from experience that true and obvious ideas, such as the ineffable wisdom and judgment of the Great God Om, seemed so obscure to many people that you actually had to kill them before they saw the error of their ways... ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#crusades #humor #missionaries #religion #experience

To function efficiently, any group of people or employees must have faith in their leader."- Capt. Bligh(ret.) ↗

— Robert Lynn Asprin

#leadership #faith