#humor

Modern wife: A position thought to require great ambition to fill. After initially showing some skill at a maid service or department store, the husband takes her home to find that she has risen too high in the world to generalize that skill, which drives him to drink. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #marriage #wife #funny

Inside your soul is the ability to survive even the toughest storms, and that paradise can always be found--even in the middle of a hurricane--if you are willing to look. ↗

— Denise Hildreth Jones

#humor #love-and-romance #remarriage #humor

In his heart, she’d been smiling for him. But now she was smiling at Colin Bridgerton, he of the famous charm and sparkling green eyes. ↗

— Julia Quinn

#humor #humor

You may stay. But Jessica, please watch what you say and do. Don't look them in the eyes for long. Speak only when spoken to. Yes, sir; yes, ma'am." "Sit up. Arf," I teased. "What about her?" Jessica cried, pointing in my general direction. "She's more in need of an etiquette lesson than I am." "Yeah," I said, "but I'm the Queen. With a capital fucking Q. Hey, you're looking me in the eyes for too long! Eric, make her stop! ↗

— MaryJanice Davidson

#humor #vampires #humor

Girls can do anything boys can do in high heels! ↗

— Brooke Sachau

#humor #women #women-s-strength #humor

I'm sorry, Mother. It's just that five days of flying with these characters has made me crawl right to the edge of sanity.' 'I fell over the edge.' Karen said. 'I jumped,' Walter added, 'And I can't seem to climb back up. ↗

— Bryan Davis

#humor

He stared down at the golden curls of the Adversary, Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Great Beast that is called Dragon, Prince of This World, Father of Lies, Spawn of Satan, and Lord of Darkness. "You know," he concluded, after a while, "I think he actually looks like an Adam. ↗

— Neil Gaiman

#humor

DeAngelo blew up my bus, so I filled his car with shit. Genius, right?" "DeAngelo didn't blow up the bus," Connie said. "I just got the report from the fire marshal. The coffeemaker shorted out and started the fire." Some of the color left Vinnie's face. "Say what?" "Oh man," Lula said. "DeAngelo is gonna be pissed. Least he won't know who did it." "I left a note," Vinnie said. Lula gave a hoot of laughter and fell off her chair. ↗

— Janet Evanovich

#humor

City people. They may know how to street fight but they don't know how to wade through manure. ↗

— Melina Marchetta

#country #humor #rural-life #humor

The panther prowled around me in a loose, wide circle. Its mouth turned down, almost in a pout, and it seemed disappointed that I wasn't going to run away. Or scream, at the very least. Its tail, which was at least three feet long, twitched back and forth in what seemed to be annoyance. Or maybe anticipation. I didn't know. I'd always been more of a dog person. I cleared my throat, and the panther stopped and flicked up one of its rounded ears. Listening. "Um, nice kitty? ↗

— Jennifer Estep

#humor #ya #humor