#humor

No dead people beyond this door,' " he read aloud from beyond the door. " 'And, yes, if you suddenly have the ability to walk through walls, you're dead. You're not lying somewhere in a drainage ditch waiting to wake up. Get over it, and stay the hell out of my bathroom. ↗

— Darynda Jones

#humor

How does knowing 'things could be worse' than what I already deem is awful make me feel any better? You mean I could sink even lower? Oh joy! ↗

— Richelle E. Goodrich

#pessimism #richelle #richelle-goodrich #sarcasm #sarcasm-humor

Then I yelled through his door, "It's an anniversary gift for you, asshole. Two whole weeks early. FIFTEEN YEARS IS BIG METAL CHICKENS. ↗

— Jenny Lawson

#humor

Who's Magnus?" Max inquired "He's a warlock," said Alec "A sexy, sexy warlock," Isabelle told Max. "But warlocks are bad," protested Max "Exactly". ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#humor

I think it's a rule that it's socially acceptable to wet yourself when aliens enter your mind for the first time. If it wasn't already, it is now. ↗

— Orson Scott Card

#humor #xenology #humor

He usually gets what he wants. And what he wants is to keep you safe. He really cares about you, you know.” Her chest constricted with a strange combination of pleasure and pain. She tried to cover her emotions with a playful shrug. “Well, of course he does—I mean, what’s not to like? I make incredibly bad, impulsive decisions. Plus, I’m lame, scarred, and crazy—the whole package. ↗

— Kathryn Knight

#humor #kathryn-knight #humor

I think he could handle being used. It would be good for him. He's having trouble sleeping. ↗

— Victoria Dahl

#romance #humor

They didn't just live with secrets. Secrecy surrounded their entire lives. ↗

— Anthony Horowitz

#secrets #humor

I don’t care what other people think about me. Most people are idiots, and they can think whatever they want. ↗

— Ida Løkås

#humor #idiots #people #think #humor

Dad followed his I’m-So-Disappointed speech with a lecture on career opportunities. “You’re going to study literature and get a job doing what?” he said. “Literaturizing? ↗

— David Sedaris

#humor