#humor

Was it animal pee or human pee? Someone asked. How would I know? What, am I an expert in the study of pee? ↗

— John Green

#humor #paper #pee #towns #funny

Haha, I can't hit you. If I did, I'd feel sorry for the person who'd have to clean up the mess of your splattered brain. ↗

— Kyousuke Motomi

#humor #funny

Yesterday, at the company party, I made a joke and everyone laughed and said, “Hey, now there’s the Jarod Kintz we all know and love.” and I smiled, but inside I thought, “Actually, the Jarod Kintz you know and love was my clone, who I had to murder because he kept eating all my leftovers. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#clones #funny #humor #laughed #murder

I got a new car. I just need to put it together. They’re easier to steal piece by piece. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #stealing #theft #funny

You know, poets and songwriters have long known that people like repetition. You know, poets and songwriters have long known that people like repetition. I guess when I say people, I mean everyone but my Grandfather. He hated anything that was so monotonous as repetition. That’s why he loathed walking so much. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, and on and on. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #poets #repitition #songwriters #walking

Leo. Jason said, you're wierd. Yeah, you tell me that a lot. Leo grinned. But if you don't remember me, that means I can reuse all my old jokes. Come on! ↗

— Rick Riordan

#humor #leo #funny

She was hearing the words. They just weren't registering on her Richter scale of sanity. ↗

— Dakota Cassidy

#hearing #humor #insanity #richter-scale #funny

If you work in a hospital, you can’t easily fake call in sick to work. Oh, you’re sick? Well why don’t you come in to work and we’ll have a look at it. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#hospital #humor #sick #funny

You look angry," he said. "You put me on hold." "For a very good reason." "You put me," she said very, very slowly, "on hold. ↗

— Derek Landy

#humor #skeleton #valykrie #funny

We must, we must, we must increase our bust. ↗

— Judy Blume

#humor #mantra #funny