#humor

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think? ↗

— Steven Wright

#family

Or -- and this she knew was a far more accurate way of looking at it -- the book was true and reality was lying. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#reality #humor

How can I give you nothing? Do you seriously expect me to buy nothing, wrap up nothing, stick a gift tag on nothing, send a card saying I really hope you like your nothing and lie awake worrying that the nothing I got you was the right color nothing you always anted? Have a heart! ↗

— Hilary McKay

#family

I grew up in a household where we didn't really talk about our feelings, and where the only reason you went to a doctor was because you'd accidentally cut off a limb with a chain saw. ↗

— Jodi Picoult

#families #humor #family

Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted makeup. Forget the laughs, forget the fights, forget the sex, forget the jealousy. But take off your hat and observe a moment's silence for the legions of unknown tubes of foundation, mascara, eyeliner, blusher and lipstick who died that it might all have been possible. But who died in vain. ↗

— Marian Keyes

#makeup #relationships #family

Sometimes, though, you have to do things for family, even if you'd rather not. ↗

— Patricia C. Wrede

#help #humor #sacrifices #family

I love hearing my relations abused. It is the only thing that makes me put up with them at all. Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't got the remotest knowledge of how to live nor the smallest instinct about when to die. ↗

— Oscar Wilde

#family #humor #family

He could do this. He'd survived boot camp. He'd survived combat and the harsh weather of Afghanistan. He could survive broccoli. Probably. ↗

— Shannon Stacey

#humor #sean #family

I want everyone to throw sugar and cream at each other, then lie about it. I want to attend an ice cream antisocial. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#humor #ice-cream #funny

That sounds terrific.Just you, your comatose wife, your shell-shocked son, and your daughter who hates your guts. Not to mention your two kids might be in love with each other. Yeah, that sounds like the perfect family reunion ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#family