#humor

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor

Siblings: children of the same parents, each of whom is perfectly normal until they get together. ↗

— Sam Levenson

#humor #relationships #family

I had just heard tales that the Valkyrie were large warriors, akin to Amazons.” “If you’re the sole survivor of an army attacked by us, are you going to say we had our asses handed to us by petite, nubile females, or by she-monsters who can bench Buicks? ↗

— Kresley Cole

#humor #humor

[In the Universe it may be that] Primitive life is very common and intelligent life is fairly rare. Some would say it has yet to occur on Earth. ↗

— Stephen Hawking

#science #stupidity #humor

I can be a regular bitch. Just try me. ↗

— Stieg Larsson

#humor

Buttercup's mother whirled on him. 'Did you forget to pay your taxes?' (This was after taxes. But everything is after taxes. Taxes were here even before stew.) ↗

— William Goldman

#humor

She's so small, yet she contains so much evil. ↗

— Christopher Moore

#humor

Who, last time I'd checked, was still on our official archenemy list. (Yes, we have to keep a list. It's kind of sad.) ↗

— James Patterson

#humor #max #maximum-ride #maxride #humor

It isn`t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married. ↗

— Drew Carey

#humor

God knows I didn't mean to fall in love with her ↗