#humor

Being on Twitter is like having a fern. ↗

— Steve Martin

#humor

It's just been a long week, that's all." "It's monday night, Jess." "My point exactly. ↗

— Scott Westerfeld

#monday #humor

Pam's father had been diagnosed with rectal cancer. It didn't surprise me. Put a bunch of white assholes together and you're going to find that going around. ↗

— Stephen King

#humor

Fletch is back from Austin, and turns out what sounded great on paper didn't match up to reality. He says its so hot down there, I'd spontaneously combust the second I stepped off the plane. Plus with humidity turning the air as thick as oatmeal, my hair would always be a disaster. So, Austin's out. ↗

— Jen Lancaster

#humor

Overhead announcement at psychiatric hospital: Lithium is no longer available on credit. ↗

— Earl Mac Rauch

#humor #humor

I dont suppose i can wear my flamingo tie" "it's a bit festive,given the occastion" "Cant wear it to the opera","Cant wear it to a funeral. Cant use it to hang myself. it's a bit useless, as ties go. ↗

— John Green

#humor

One has to be proactive in warding off ugly, and that costs money. ↗

— Kristin Billerbeck

#humor

Duncan,we're still in prison," Frederic said dryly. "You're not going to see anything except this cell. Which has spiders, by the way. Have you noticed the spiders?" "Indeed I have: Carmen, Zippy, and Dr. T," Duncan said. ↗

— Christopher Healy

#humor

I paused in the act of opening the door and looked at him with what were probably cartoon-wide eyes. "Wait a second," I said. "So, you're best friends with a hot vampire chick who likes leather." "Yeah." "And together, you fight crime?" I couldn't help it. I cracked up. ↗

— Rachel Caine

#humor #shane-collins #humor

Do you sometimes wish you could fast-forward a week? You know something bad's coming up, and you know you'll get through it, but the prospect just makes you feel sick. I worried for about thirty minutes, and though I knew there was no point in doing so, I could feel my anxiety twisting me up in a knot. 'Bullshit,' I told myself stoutly. 'This is utter bullshit. ↗

— Charlaine Harris

#humor #humor