#humor

A brick could be divided into four equal pieces and split among three friends. I’ll take the two largest pieces, or half, whichever makes me appear the most generous.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket #funny #humor #random #sharing

You would never do anything like that, would you?" my wife asked him. "You would never hurt animals." Our son shook his head, looking offended by the question. He might have been lying, but my knowledge of his belief system, composed of equal parts off-kilter Far Side animal-centrism and a dark Captain Nemoesque contempt for humanity, inclined me to think he was telling the truth. Gigantic fish pulling the limbs from cruel little boys, that might be something you could get him to sign on for. ↗

— Michael Chabon

#humor #equality

The last time I was this confused I was watching a Fassbinder film. ↗

— Ken O'Neill

#humor #humorous-book #marriage #marriage-equality #equality

I am Valentino Rossi. If I stay in MotoGP it is to try to win. When that is not possible it is time to stay at home and work in the garden! ↗

— Valentino Rossi

#inspirational #home

A brick could be used instead of a red light. They’re both red, and I’d run both with equal fervor.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

I take my hat off to you — or I would, if I were not afraid of showering you in spiders. ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#humor #spiders #humor

All I have to do is shoot! In my excitement, I throw the ball down with more force than ever, feeling bad-ass. It ricochets off the floor at an angle and slams right into my crotch. All around me, the room goes, “Ohhhh!” I look up. Every face is staring at me, contorted into winces. Right. Ball in crotch equals excruciating pain. I’m such an idiot! Too late, I double over in pain. “Ouch!” I yell. I sneak a glance around. Nobody looks convinced, so I add, “My balls! ↗

— Jody Gehrman

#humor #equality

I think you better hurry along with that French toast making, Stud. You know—before my fetus eats your face.” “It would be equally as delicious. ↗

— Pella Grace

#romance #equality

But whenever I meet dynamic, nonretarded Americans, I notice that they all seem to share a single unifying characteristic: the inability to experience the kind of mind-blowing, transcendent romantic relationship they perceive to be a normal part of living. And someone needs to take the fall for this. So instead of blaming no one for this (which is kind of cowardly) or blaming everyone (which is kind of meaningless), I'm going to blame John Cusack. ↗

— Chuck Klosterman

#relationships #experience

Good-humor is a philosophic state of mind; it seems to say to Nature that we take her no more seriously than she takes us. I maintain that one should always talk of philosophy with a smile. ↗

— William James

#philosophy #experience