#humor

I never asked my mother where babies came from but I remember clearly the day she volunteered the information....my mother called me to set the table for dinner. She sat me down in the kitchen, and under the classic caveat of 'loving each other very, very much,' explained that when a man and a woman hug tightly, the man plants a seed in the woman. The seed grows into a baby. Then she sent me to the pantry to get placemats. As a direct result of this conversation, I wouldn't hug my father for two months. ↗

— Sloane Crosley

#parents #sex #humor

I don't get why prom is like a mini-wedding these days...No one should spend that kind of money for a high school dance. ↗

— Deb Caletti

#humor

Anybody who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad. ↗

— Leo Rosten

#children #humor #w-c-fields #humor

For every girl there is a guy out there waiting for you. But dont worry you will find your Prince in Shining Armor For every guy they are three girls looking forwards to finding you waiting. And when one of them find you, wether or not you like shes been looking for a long time and you better be a Prince in Shining Armor by then. So ladies you better pick up the pace you have two other girls looking for the same guy you are! And guys if your not a Prince in Shining Armor by then well... Good luck with that one ↗

— Kaleb Firestone

#humor

A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, 'Oh great. I'd like to see some of the things he's done. ↗

— George Carlin

#humor

It was like there was some parallel universe we all vanished off to where we had all this sex. ↗

— Kazuo Ishiguro

#kathy #parallel #sex #universe #humor

Jiggery pokery!” said Harry in a fierce voice. “Hocus pocus — squiggly wiggly —” “MUUUUUUM!” howled Dudley, “He’s doing you know what! ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#fantasy #humor #magic #humor

Either the kid was naturally hyper or he was hopped up on enough caffeine to give a heart attack to a water buffalo. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#humor

Ghost?” St. Vincent shot him an incredulous glance. “Christ. You’re not serious, are you?” "I’m a Gypsy,” Cam replied matter-of-factly. “Of course I believe in ghosts.” “Only half Gypsy. Which led me to assume that the rest of you was at least marginally sane and rational.” “The other half is Irish,” Cam said a touch apologetically. “Christ,” St. Vincent said again, shaking his head as he strode away. ↗

— Lisa Kleypas

#humor

I can't belly dance.' Yes, you can. It's in your fi--' Will you stop reading my goddamn file! ↗

— Jennifer Rardin

#humor