#humor

Maybe,” he said in a slow, rural drawl, “you could explain to me why I found you in the middle of an orgy.” “Well,” I said, “if you’re going to be in an orgy, the middle is the best spot, isn’t it. ↗

— Jim Butcher

#humor #orgy #sarcasm #humor

I’m at the top of my game. And that game is Monopoly. I’m standing on the board right now.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#game #humor #monopoly #pinnacle #humor

You know what love means? It means loving the person you are now and not the person you want someone to be or the person they will be. ↗

— Samantha Stroh Bailey

#humor #romance-funny #romantic-comedy #funny

The manlier you are, the harder it is to understand what a woman wants: there is not a hint of female brain in you. ↗

— Criss Jami

#anatomy #biological #biology #brain #cognition

The main hallway of the Sternwood place was two stories high. Over the entrance doors, which would have let in a troop of Indian elephants, there was a broad stained-glass panel showing a knight in dark armor rescuing a lady who was tied to a tree and didn’t have any clothes on but some very long and convenient hair. The knight had pushed the vizor of his helmet back to be sociable, and he was fiddling with the knots on the ropes that tied the lady to the tree and not getting anywhere. I stood there and thought that if I lived in the house, I would sooner or later have to climb up there and help him. He didn’t seem to be really trying. ↗

— Raymond Chandler

#efficiency #humor #knights #propriety #rescue

We got half the doggone MIT college of engineering here, and nobody who can fix a doggone /television/?" Dr. Joseph Abernathy glared accusingly at the clusters of young people scattered around his living room. That's /electrical/ engineering, Pop," his son told him loftily. "We're all mechanical engineers. Ask a mechanical engineer to fix your color TV, that's like asking an Ob-Gyn to look at the sore on your di-ow!" Oh, sorry," said his father, peering blandly over gold-rimmed glasses. "That your foot, Lenny? ↗

— Diana Gabaldon

#humor #humor

There's always a bit of suspense about the particular way in which a given school year will get off to a bad start. ↗

— Frank Portman

#humor #school #humor

However , it’s over, and I’ll take no revenge on his folly – I can afford to suffer anything, hereafter! Should the meanest thing alive slap me on the cheek, I’d not only turn the other, but I’d ask pardon for provoking it – and, as proof, I’ll go make my peace with Edgar instantly – Good night – I’m an angel! ↗

— Emily Brontë

#martyrs #humor

I have not a doubt of your doing very well together. Your tempers are by no means unlike. You are each of you so complying, that nothing will ever be resolved on; so easy, that every servant will cheat you; and so generous, that you will always exceed your income. ↗

— Jane Austen

#humor

Lula," I said, "do you ever think about getting married?" I guess I do. Doesn't everybody?" You have to let your husband kiss you once you're married. And you have to kiss him back." No," she said. Yes." I nodded, as if I knew everything there was to know about husbands and wives kissing. "That's what they do together." Do you have to?" Oh, absolutely. It's the law." I never heard of that law," she said dubiously. It's true, it's Texas law," I said. ↗

— Jacqueline Kelly

#humor #humor