#humor

What year did Jesus think it was? ↗

— George Carlin

#humor #jesus-christ #religion #time #humor

I have never voted in my life... I have always known and understood that the idiots are in a majority so it's certain they will win. ↗

— Louis-Ferdinand Céline

#politics #humor

I have a terrible memory; I never forget a thing. ↗

— Edith Konecky

#humor

To summarize the summary of the summary: people are a problem. ↗

— Douglas Adams

#political #politics #humor

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. ↗

— Steven Wright

#irony #nobel-peace-prize #humor

You know how to shoot?"- Emma "Yes. My dad taught me everything about gun safety. He was an expert." - Heather "What happened to him?" -Shanna "He was...shot." -Heather ↗

— Kerrelyn Sparks

#humor

What...what about when I'm married?” “We'll buy a cot. Your husband can sleep on that when he visits. ↗

— Stephanie Perkins

#humor

Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. ↗

— Dorothy Parker

#humor

Likest thou jelly within thy doughnut? ↗

— Jim Butcher

#humor

Common sense is the most widely shared commodity in the world, for every man is convinced that he is well supplied with it. ↗

— René Descartes

#humor #irony #humor