#humor

What about a compromise? I’ll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I’ll apologize. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#funny #humor #funny

This morning my girlfriend was so loud in bed that we woke up the neighbors. So I told them to roll over and go back to sleep. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#girlfriend #humor #neighbors #sex #funny

I’ve often wondered why more science textbooks don’t tell teenagers that the only thing sharks like to eat more than fish, are dead prostitutes. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#dead #fish #funny #humor #prostitutes

I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, "At least he's not a complete boob. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#boob #costume #funny #humor #idiot

If you were to ask me the best time of day to fall in love, I'd say, "Now." But you'd also have to remember to factor in the fact that my watch is eleven minutes fast. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#ask #fact #factor #fall-in-love #funny

Are you a female dog?" "What?" Massie asked. "Why?" "Because you are acting like a real bitch! ↗

— Lisi Harrison

#clique #comebacks #dog #female #fun

Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m also trying to get employment for the rest of my face. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #nose-job #one-liner #funny

I don’t read biographies for moral instruction, or for a history lesson. I want to know what people are saying about me. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #funny

My head’ll explode if I continue with this escapism. ↗

— Jess C. Scott

#books #cool #culture #desire #emotion

Which way did they go, Peeves?" Filch was saying. "Quick, tell me." "Say 'please.'" "Don't mess with me, Peeves, now where did they go?" "Shan't say nothing if you don't say please," said Peeves in his annoying singsong voice. "All right- PLEASE." "NOTHING! Ha haaa! Told you I wouldn't say nothing if you didn't say please! Ha ha! Haaaaaa!" And they heard the sound of Peeves whooshing away and Filch cursing in rage. ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#funny #harry-potter #humor #peeves #please