#humor

If you ever put a student at this school in danger again-' 'Oh, I thought you Gallagher Girls were immune to danger.' Despite the hundred girls the filled the foyer, no one moved or gasped or tried to defend our honor. We stood silently, waiting for our headmistress to say, 'Oh, we are quite used to being underestimated, Agent Townsend. In fact, we welcome it. ↗

— Ally Carter

#gallagher-girl #humor #humor

When I buy a new book, I always read the last page first, that way in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends. That, my friend, is a dark side. ↗

— Nora Ephron

#dark-side #die #end #finish #first

I think that men ought to treat women like something other than weaker men with breasts. ↗

— Jim Butcher

#harry-dresden #humor #humor

I had a dream about you last night. The best day of my life was when I taught you how to juggle, but the best day of yours was when you taught someone else. ↗

— Michael Summers

#dreams #funny #humor #life #relationships

People can be so emotionally unintelligent. When I ask them how they’re doing they just make brusque comments like “I’m good, thanks.” After years of trying to get cashiers to talk about their feelings and having to deal with the bottled-up aggression of the customers behind me, I’ve lost all faith in humanity’s ability to connect with each other at the checkout counter. ↗

— Bauvard

#cashiers #funny #humor #faith

There are many ways to kill someone. I prefer laughter, and doing it slowly, over the course of 70 years or so. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #funny

Self-doubt is a persuasive mistress; careful not to shag her or you’ll never get your balls back.” - Simon Hunt ↗

— Dannika Dark

#careful #dannika-dark #funny #humor #mageri

Trust me-that toilet and me were best friends for the first few days I was here. ↗

— Alexander Gordon Smith

#humor

Show me a girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and I'll show you a girl who can't put her pants on. -Annik Marchand ↗

— Ann Brashares

#humor #pants #humor

It's all right," Jeanne was yelling. "Yeah, you heard me, it's all right! Delos isn't dangerous. Not to us, anyway. Come on, you, get out of there! What are you doing hiding behind that pig? ↗

— L.J. Smith

#humor