#humor

Look, I'm very sorry for any wrong I've committed, intentionally or accidentally, against any member of your pack or kennel or whatnot. I mean that truly and sincerely, from the very core of my being. But I'm tired. Please imagine what it's like to be raised from the dead by a deranged vampire-motorcyle-gang-religious cult, only to be dragged across the country in a van driven by your ex-lover and fledgling who hates you and no longer sympathizes with the human need for waste elimination. I have neither the energy nor the inclination to write a ten page statement officially apologizing for the evils of my past, and if you expect me to, kindly throw yourself beneath the wheels of a moving train. ↗

— Jennifer Armintrout (Cyrus to Bella)

#humor #insults #humor

Do we secretly idolize our imagined opposites, yearning to become the role models for others we know we could never be for ourselves? ↗

— John Waters

#psychology #humor

I swear there are about a million rocks underneath me," [Dylan] said grouchily. Think of it as therapeutic. Like a shiatsu massage." (Sadie) You obviously have a much better imagination than me," he said. ↗

— Sarah Mayberry

#humor #rocks #humor

Nobody likes me,” he concluded at the tail end of a ten-minute pity fest. “Can’t imagine why,” Quinn murmured. I turned my snort of laughter into a fake cough, which was an embarrassingly feeble attempt at subterfuge when you consider the fact that I didn’t have any lungs. ↗

— Robin Wasserman

#humor

I happen to have a certain fondness for existing--soda wouldn't have that lovely fizzy feeling if you were dead. Think of all the things you would miss: Cartoons, music, movies, video games, music, art, fingernail growth, sex...well, perhaps not sex, depending on how weird your mortician is. ↗

— Jhonen Vasquez

#art

Wit seduces by signaling intelligence without nerdiness. ↗

— Nassim Nicholas Taleb

#autism #humor #intelligence #nerd #nerds

on the day that the intlligence and talents of women are fully honored and employed, the human community and the planet itself will benefit in ways we can only begin to imagine. ↗

— Anita Diamant

#humor

You know, the most amazing thing happened to me tonight... I saw a car with the license plate ARW 357. Can you imagine? Of all the millions of license plates in the state, what was the chance that I would see that particular one tonight? Amazing! ↗

— Richard P. Feynman

#science #humor

Please don't be dead. Because then I'd have to be the Sorcerer Supreme and there's no way I could rock the 'stache. ↗

— Brian Michael Bendis

#spiderman #humor

Kali waved an impatient hand. "We can't have a pity party right now. I didn't bring the cake. ↗

— Cassidy Hunter

#humor