#humor

It's like I was connected to the plumping system. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#humor

I wish you would thrash him. He deserves it." She looked back at him. "I will one day, sir. I'm getting tired of falling down. ↗

— Tamora Pierce

#humor #justice #humor

You're under arrest for multiple counts of murder. You have the right to not much at all, really. Do you have anything to say in your defense? ↗

— Derek Landy

#arrested #humor #humorous #rights #humor

It was nice of her to want to believe the best about me. People tend to do that with the strangers they're fucking. If she wanted to think that apathy and independence were the same thing, good for her. Maybe she was right. ↗

— Paul Neilan

#humor #love #sex #humor

Christy: "My grandma made this. I've had it since elementary school." Todd: "I never knew that." Christy: "I never knew you left your towel on the floor." Todd: "Uh-oh. Is this one of those issues they talked about in our premarital counseling? Should I hang up towels so you feel more loved? ↗

— Robin Jones Gunn

#christy-miller #humor #todd #humor

Ew. Someone put the dog out, "Rosalie murmured wrinkling her nose. Have you herd this one, Psycho? how do a blond's brain cells die?" She didn't say anything. Well?" I asked."Do you know the punch line or not?" She looked pointedly at the TV and ignored me. Has she heard it?" I asked Edward. No." He answered. Awesome. So you'll enjoy this, bloodsucker--a blond's brain cells die alone. ↗

— Stephenie Meyer

#humor

Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted. That men do not learn very much from the lessons of history is the most important of all the lessons of history. ↗

— Aldous Huxley

#history #human-nature #humor #reality #humor

There are moments, Jeeves, when one asks oneself, 'Do trousers matter?'" "The mood will pass, sir. ↗

— P.G. Wodehouse

#bad-mood #clothes #dejection #humor #humor

You look as scary as a buttered muffin. ↗

— Tamora Pierce

#harmlessness #humor #tortall #humor

Take off your shirt." Jace raised his eyebrows. "I'm not going to attack you," she said impatiently. "I can take the sight of your naked chest without swooning." "Are you sure?" he asked, obediently sliding the shirt off his shoulders. "Because viewing my naked chest has caused many women to seriously injure themselves stampeding to get to me. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#city-of-lost-souls #clary-fray #funny #humor #jace-lightwood