#humor

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor #death

And just how did you arrive at that remarkable conclusion, Mr. Mayor?" "In a rather simple way. It merely required the use of that much-neglected commodity -- common sense. You see, there is a branch of human knowledge known as symbolic logic, which can be used to prune away all sorts of clogging deadwood that clutters up human language." "What about it?" said Fulham. "I applied it. Among other things, I applied it to this document here. I didn't really need to for myself because I knew what it was all about, but I think I can explain it more easily to five physical scientists by symbols rather than by words." Hardin removed a few sheets of paper from the pad under his arm and spread them out. "I didn't do this myself, by the way," he said. "Muller Holk of the Division of Logic has his name signed to the analyses, as you can see." Pirenne leaned over the table to get a better view and Hardin continued: "The message from Anacreon was a simple problem, naturally, for the men who wrote it were men of action rather than men of words. It boils down easily and straightforwardly to the unqualified statement, when in symbols is what you see, and which in words, roughly translated is, 'You give us what we want in a week, or we take it by force.'" There was silence as the five members of the Board ran down the line of symbols, and then Pirenne sat down and coughed uneasily. Hardin said, "No loophole, is there, Dr. Pirenne?" "Doesn't seem to be. ↗

— Isaac Asimov

#sarcasm-humor #science #men

The wages of sin is death but so is the salary of virtue, and at least the evil get to go home early on Fridays. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#death

Tall people are naturally confident. History has proven this - Alexander the Great, Wilt Chamberlain, Gisele. ↗

— Chuck Klosterman

#nature

No, no, you twit, move towards the well-hung male of the species! It's only natural; you don't want to insult Mother Nature. Go claim your mate. ↗

— Jenna McCormick

#nature

Misogynist: one who respects women enough to let them keep to themselves; a feminist. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #mysogyny #respect

Not a wonder you are out camping with us princess,” Rizz said dryly. Falita gave a clearing snort of her opposite nostril and looked up. “Why's that?” “One can't go snorting and blowing snot all over a castle. It would ruin the décor!” Falita ignored the comment. “A bath would certainly freshen things up.” “You've bathed three times in five days. How many more baths do you need?” Artamos asked. “Enough to stay clean, and I don't recall either of you bathing on this trip.” “I don't need to Princess,” Rizz replied. “I have my own naturally sweet odor.” Falita scrunched up her nose, “I'm aware of that, and it is not pleasing in camp. ↗

— M.L. Hall

#apprentice #fantasy #hall #humor #nature

L shot Maki a disappointed look. But soon he forgot everything when Misa Amane appeared onstage. Enraptured he began to cheer with the girls in black lace and frilly skirts. ↗

— Tsugumi Ohba

#humor #change

Wait," I said as Noah slipped a book from a shelf and headed toward the door. "Where are you going?" "To read?" But I don't want you to. "But I need to go home," I said, my eyes meeting his. "My parents are going to kill me." "Taken care of. You're at Sophie's house." I loved Sophie. "So I'm...staying here?" "Daniel's covering for you." I loved Daniel. "Where's Katie?" I asked, trying to sound casual. "Eliza's house." I loved Eliza. "And your parents?" I asked. "Some charity thing." I loved charity. "So why are you going to read when I'm right here? ↗

— Michelle Hodkin

#humor #mara-dyer #noah-shaw #sexy #ya

To get faster and better service, ring a bell. It’s the same principal as honking at someone in traffic. People respond well to it, and they seem to really enjoy it.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#better #considerate #customer-service #enjoy #faster