#humor

I helped you because you're new, and because when there's two people in a cell then there's only a fifty percent chance they'll take you. ↗

— Alexander Gordon Smith

#humor

This boy turkied my Thanksgiving, but I won't let him Grinch my Christmas. -Dean Hughes (Midway to Heaven) ↗

— Dean Hughes

#humor #humor

This, my children," Alistair said proudly, "was barbecue pork." Dan rapped his fingers against the latch. "Been out in the sun for a long time. ↗

— Peter Lerangis

#dan #humor #the #humor

Are you aware, Mr Mayor, then when casually scrying the streets of London, you stand out like a giraffe on roller skates, yes? ↗

— Kate Griffin

#humor

If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it first thing in the morning. And if it's your job to eat two frogs, it's best to eat the biggest one first. ↗

— Mark Twain

#humor

I don't want to run for anything. I want to shove this miserable cheap-ass check so far up Wells's ass he can read the routing number out the back of his eyes. ↗

— Richard Kadrey

#humor

In Russia, as I sat there day after day wearing headphones, listening to the interpreter struggle to make our words relevant, I wondered if we could establish meaningful rapport with a nation that had never seen raisins dance in dark glasses on TV...never had a garage sale. ↗

— Erma Bombeck

#humor

I'm going to find whoever is responsible for me sleeping out side with outside without pillows and kick them in the shins!-Enna ↗

— Shannon Hale

#humor #humor

People have many cruel expectations from writers. People expect novelists to live on a hill with three kids and a spouse, people expect children's story writers to never have sex, and people expect all great poets to be dead. And these are all very difficult expectations to fulfill, I think. ↗

— C. JoyBell C.

#humour #writers #writers-on-writing #humor

Cheap liquor is a magic potion that can turn you into a puppet cowboy before it kills you. ↗

— Patton Oswalt

#liquor #humor