#humor

Don't even try to make this into something weird, Lori. We grew up in the same place, so get over your complex. Unless, of course, this is part of your fantasy. The asshole rich boy and the noble girl from the poor family." "F*ck off," she growled. ↗

— Victoria Dahl

#family

A dam doesn't try to reason with the water. Its main purpose is to hold it still for a while. When I lecture my kids I'm doing much the same thing. I'm not trying to necessarily reason with them, just hold them still for a short while. ↗

— Spuds Crawford

#humor #parenting #family

There was an omnivorous intellect that won him the family sobriquet of Walking Encyclopedia. ↗

— Eric Liu

#observation #family

A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places. ↗

— Tom Lichtenheld

#true-to-life #family

Politically, Republicans and Democrats are at opposite ends. One’s a burp and the other’s a fart.  ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#corruption #democrats #funny #government #humor

He was chugging brown pop from a can Jack had handed him while he stuffed nacho cheese Doritos in his face. I was glad to see he looked lots better, almost completely like himself, which proves Doritos and brown pop really are health foods. ↗

— P.C. Cast

#food #humor #soda #food

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet? ↗

— Steven Wright

#food

Food," I suggested. "Sleep. That's what I need. To get the hell away from here." Cole frowned at me, as if I'd suggested "ducks" and "yoga". ↗

— Maggie Stiefvater

#ducks #forever #humor #isabel-culpeper #sleep

Never be afraid to be sexy! ↗

— Alysha Speer

#fear #sex-appeal #sexuality #sexy #sexy-humor

This has to be the most self-centered thing I've ever said, but no, I think you just wanted to vex me. ↗