#humor

Listen, if you’re not totally surrendered, you’re not playing. It’s as simple as that. ↗

— Art Hochberg

#inspirational #art

If money’s the god people worship, I’d rather go worship the devil instead. ↗

— Jess C. Scott

#commercialism #core #core-of-the-soul #core-values #devil

Dear Ford, I think my Ford Explorer door is broken. It just won’t close. I think this is because I don’t have the rest of the Explorer, I only have the door. It’s a passenger-side door, and I bought it from a passenger. Also, it doesn’t seem to be able to lock. I think the latch isn’t catching, or something. I think it’s missing some crucial parts, and I’d like to order them from you. I need: one frame, four wheels, a body, another door, an engine, a steering wheel, and some of those air fresheners that you stick in the vents. And I’m feeling frisky with my money, so let me go ahead and order some brakes while I’m at it. You can send the bill to the Pizza Hut on San Jose Boulevard. They’ll just deliver it to me, along with the pizza I just ordered. Thank you, Jarod Kintz ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#e-mail #ford #funny #humor #ridiculous

A Strauss waltz becomes so repetitive halfway through, the audience stops listening to it. That's the moment to start waltzing. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #music #waltzing #music

I neither require nor desire your gratitude, mistress. I want nothing in these worlds save your death." Volusian to Eugenie ↗

— Richelle Mead

#death

Nell Armstrong was a demi-god, he succeded travelling to space, after numerous deaths. ↗

— Michael Author

#science #death

Is it like a Harry Potter thing?" He turned his head then. "A what?" "A Harry Potter thing," she said again. "You know, don't say Voldemort's name because you might attract his attention?" He considered it. "You mean the children's book." "I have got to get you to watch more movies," she said. "You'd enjoy these. Yes, I mean the children's book. ↗

— Patricia Briggs

#humor #humor

Now, here's what we do. You and I will find a back way out of this place. If we come across someone else, we make like a couple of lovesick teenagers. People generally hurry past heavy breathers. I get you to the parking lot, you vanish. Got it?" He nodded. "There's just one thing I've got to do before we go," he said. Before I could inquire, he grabbed me and planted a kiss square on my mouth. It was short but fiery, despite the grape flavoring, and when he let me go I wan panting. Holy crap!" He smiled, not at all apologetically, and said, "I've wanted to do that ever since I saw my first Bond movie. ↗

— Jennifer Rardin

#humor

I quietly cast camouflage on myself, which is the nearest I can come to invisibility. It binds my pigment to my surroundings, so that I become practically invisible when I remain still. People can see me if I move quickly, but if I imitate the Rock of Gibraltar they have to really know I’m there to spot me. I figured it was best: Naked women rarely welcome the approach of strange naked men, except in porn movies. ↗

— Kevin Hearne

#humor #men

Lessons can be learned from each and every movie in the series. Like take this lasting and most important lesson from Return of the Jedi: If you ever have the option, always, always wear a gold bikini. Trust me, I know, I’ve done it once or twice. ↗

— Olivia Munn

#movies